I love to hate STARBUCKS

One day, when I am old, I will appreciate Starbucks. 

Until then, I can blow my gasket every time I drive past one, see one, hear of one, walk past an empty cup tossed in an office trash can, see a bag of coffee branded STARBUCKS on a grocery shelf, or attempt not to run over teeny-boppers walking with frapuccinos . 

Take down yet another sign, bitches! Close stores # 601 and #602, see if I care!

 Any company says "This is what coffee tastes like when you pour your heart into it" and creates a pseudo-coffee product like VIA can SUCK IT!

Add water, make INSTANT CRAP!!! Starbucks Ready Brew Coffee

Yet, like a crack addict, I find myself driven to Starbucks when my personal supply of caffeine is dwindling. I've stocked my home and office with a selection of gourmet coffees and tea, and have secret stashes of loose leaf tea bags *** JUST IN CASE***. If I am stuck without any other place to source my crack, I will boldly walk into a Starbucks and order an Americano. 

Like any other addict, I have adopted a nonchalant demeanor when ordering my small (not tall WTF when did SMALL get tall???????) Americano with an inch of room. My insides twinge with regret and my pride stoops a bit lower just this once. But like the crackwhore who sleeps with the pimp, I will allow myself to walk into a Starbucks and order my caffeinated drink. 

 

I get my fix. Life goes on.

Hi Overly Perky Wanna Be Coffee Tender: Gimme mah crack or I'll keel you!!!

 

Just yesterday, I walked into a Starbucks where minions pawning coffee with overly perky attitudes (hey! only breasts can be so perky!) were wearing birthday hats to celebrate the 1-year birthday of VIA coffee and I was practically strong-armed to taste the shit. 

Hey VIA, why don't you die of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome like any other chubby 1-year old? 

Starbucks, you ARE the Evil Empire. You have taken away the peoples right to experience good coffee. You have tricked them into believing anything with your topless mermaid logo is coffee. VIA is NOT coffee! 

Repeat after me: instant coffee is NOT coffee. 

Starbucks, I love to hate you!

Raquel

 

The Big C

After inhaling copious amounts of nail polish fumes, I flipped on a new show called The Big C.

I think I had a beer or two as well.

Health Advisory: Inhaling nail polish, being surrounded by the smells of a bath tub bleaching itself, enveloping yourself with the sweet, sweet smell of acetone, after ingesting TWO Pacifico's causes TEMPORARY INSANITY.

With a titilating tiltle such as The Big C, I have visions of a show about THIS:

Add Teeth, Instant Vagina Dentata!!!

Or for those of you with delicate sensibilities, a show about THIS!

Nice Woo Hoo, Georgia

I was sadly dissapointed when The Big C was about CANCER!!!! Not the other C word I was thinking about!

No horror stories about vagina dentata castrating men. No stories about mean, evil women. A show about CANCER.

Now that I am out of my nail polish slash bleach slash acetone slash Pacifico induced minute of insanity, I ask: Is my mind in the gutter?

Sigh, sad, sad head nod,

Raquel

I Go to Brunch in a Child-Molester Van

Hi,  I am Chester!!!!

Meet Chester.


-He's green.
-He has curtains (and his curtains match the paint if ya KNOW what I mean *wink*.)
-He smells like cat pee.


Chester also has a flat screen TV in the back with super-cool captains chair in horrid, washed-out gray felt.


I tried my damn hardest to lure little children in the back of Chester.

Hey lil child you want some candy?

But, alas, I forgot to bring candy and to pull-over to invite children into Chester.


Thank you Megan's Law for your clear instructions for children:

• Remind children NEVER to hitchhike, approach a car or engage in a conversation with anyone in a car who they do not know or trust, or go anywhere with anyone without getting your permission first.

And that includes CHESTER, the van! 

Children: Never, ever, get into Chester.

Chester, my girlfriend and I went to brunch. We enjoyed a few mimosas and a delicious brunch. 


Chester still smells like cat pee. We might take him clubbing.

Cheers!


*clink* champagne glass

Raquel

Don't Panic: Taint Panang

Go ahead.

Snicker like a five year old.

PANANG sounds dirty.

It sounds like taint to me.

Thanks to the Mensa enlightened folks at www.urbandictionary.com, taint is:

"The area between the asshole and the nutsack that prevent a man from shitting on his nuts."

Panang is a Thai curry dish.

Thai dish full of delicious meat. FULL o MEAT!

I have eaten Panang. It's delicious. It has cocoNUT MILK, peaNUTS, FISH sauce.

People? Anyone else thinks it's funny?

I am sorry if I tainted your Panang. But Panang sounds like taint. And I KNOW it taint so!

Which leads me to ask the burning question: What IS Marilyn Manson signing about in "Tainted Love"?

I betcha it's about PANANG.

Don't panic: It Taint Panang.

Love you MM,

Raquel