Bathroom is LOCKED! WHY Do You Keep On Knocking????

Dear idiot who is trying to open my bathroom door that is clearly locked,

It is not a mystery, even though you have convinced yourself it is. There is no magic here, nor is there a malfunction.  The door works perfectly fine. There is no strange force keeping the door from opening. The lock is not broken. The hinges are not stuck. The door is definitely not jammed. So stop trying to open the door time after time.  My little girl is very shy. And is unable to expel any liquid if you continue to try and open my door.  

Do not look around with that look that says, "God I hope there is someone in here or I'm gonna look like an idiot not being able to open that door."

Do not have an ah-ha! moment when I step out of the stall. When you realize that the reason the door could not open is because a person simply stepped inside and locked it. When you realize that a person was actually using the stall to, I don't know, go to the bathroom.

Best wishes MORON,

M
www.ProjectPeeve.com

****A guest post from www.projectpeeve.com founder Marta H. 
****She's hot and she's pissed. Get outta her way!

Thanks to www.dearjohn.com I dump my ex-boyfriend (again)

This is not my usual blog. However, I had to share this gem of a website www.dearjohn.com . A simple, multiple-choice break-up letter generator, which I could not resist trying out.

Thanks to www.dearjohn.com  break-up letter, I dump my ex-boyfriend, again.


Dear boy-friend who likes to stick his dick into anything that moves,

I'm terribly sorry I had to do this through a letter, this might save our asses and make me look better, now that we're both sleeping with other people. This note will be the last memory you'll ever have of me, I'm bouncing and not lookin back.. Don't let it get you all upset inside, It was completely your fault, no doubt about it. It is because of your history of lying problems that keep me from being even remotely interested in continuing this relationship with you.

You'd be much better off finding a person that can deal with the annoying way you would always ruin a romantic moment by talking about your ex. I might miss certain things about you such as the time you told your parents about the first time we had sex.

I'm glad this is done and we're going in separate directions for good. I think you'll find someone to cheat on you daily, and write you a letter through text messages. And hopefully I will be incredibly far away.

Have a nice life,

Margot

REPEAT AFTER ME: what pisses me off, should piss you off TOO!

She's hawt. She's a brunette. And she is PISSED!

Nope, this isn't a picture of Marta...she's way hotter than this lil bugger!

Marta is the co-founder of www.ProjectPeeve.com and her personal mantra is:


"What pisses me off, should piss you off too!"


We like Project Peeve.  Keep posted for rants featuring Marta as our Guest Writer.


-Raquel


Sign up for www.projectpeeve.com and rant away.

18 Kids and Counting (and counting???)

Do you know which show I am talking about?


You probably came across it, just like I did, while you were home sick, flipping channels.

TLC's Duggar family with 18, EIGHTEEN, yes! 18! children! 


Following a miscarriage after getting pregnant while being on the pill, the Duggar mom and dad decided to say NO to birth control and allow god to dictate how many children they should have. 


Here is a picture of the Duggar's below:

Here is a list of their names:

Joshua
Jana
John Dana
Jill
Jessa
Jinger (last time I checked it's Ginger)
Joseph
Josiah
Johnnah
Jennifer
Joy-Anna
Jedidiah
Jeremiah
Jason
James
Justin
Jackson
Josie-Brooklyn

And here is my "DIVINE INTERVENTION" for the Duggar family:


#1. WRAP IT UP

Look! one for each time you have sexy time!

#2. IF YOU HAPPEN TO GET PREGGERS AGAIN, PICK ON ANOTHER LETTER ON THE ALPHABET. POOR LITTHE J IS VERY TIRED.


My I recommend M?


Mason
Martin
Mark
Marcia
Monica
Maria


-Raquel

Dear Music Snobs,

I like music you might call "bad". I like "good" music too, but there are plenty of songs that are embarrassing to admit how much I like.

I still know all the words to "Baby Got Back"

I still wish I could dance like Vanilla Ice in "Ice Ice Baby". (The only reason I don't know ALL of the words to this song is that it gets complicated in the middle.)

Bell Biv Devoe's "Poison" still makes me dance around.

Anything by the band "Poison".

"Cum on Feel the Noize" makes me scream very loudly.

I have Pat Benatar and the Footloose soundtrack....on vinyl.

I have yelled at people that said they didn't like GNR.

Gun's and Roses is Slash and Axel.

I used to drive my office partner insane by listening to drunken pirate music all day.

Stephen Lynch can say pretty much anything he wants into a recording, and I will listen to it.

I not only like this for the bikini clad girls, but also the song.


Bonnie Tyler should be made head of American Music Culture.

I hate the Beatles. I think they are officially the most over-rated band in history. They are a pop, boy band. If I became a millionaire for getting my hair cut and having girls yell at me, I'd be as rich as Paul McCartney, before he divorced the one legged chick.

If you don't like my taste in music, then you can bite me. I wish this country had a thunder-dome. I would go in with all the fucking music snobs and rock the white-trash metal while hacking up the snobby assholes that think that they are better than me for listening to some crap and rejecting some other crap.

I hope this makes your head hurt and your balls explode.

AWKWARD

I walked to my car this a.m. and found this note on my windshield:

      

Dear Neighbor,

I would like to acknowledge the receipt of your note on my windshield this morning. Your need to express yourself in BOLD Arial font on glossy stock is commendable.  Yet your command of the English language and grammar is dubious.

Below, please find my response:

Spot the typo and I will reward ya with a punch in your face

Just in case you don't understand, dear neighbor, her YOU are before receiving my note:

Here you are AFTER receiving my note:

How does you feel now? Feelin' a lil

Neighborperson, I support direct and to the point human interaction that clears the air in order to move forward with relationship.  I firmly that this is the most considerate way for humans to lead their lives.

Now that we have this out of the way...

May I please point out that my car is a compact and parked WITHIN the brightly painted white lines? And for once, I did NOT park the car myself, but my perfectionist significant-other, who has always driven a car large enough to smuggle sufficient OTM's (other than Mexican's) across the border to staff every brothel in Nevada, has NEVER in his life parked in 'an awkward fashion' unless absolutely necessary?

I would also like to point out that out the parking at our apartment complex has plentiful parking for visitors regardless of their choice of transportation, be it a Hummer or a Smart car.

I would like to state that it was your YOUR gigantic S.U.V. parked in an 'awkward (crooked)' manner which directly caused  my aforementioned Significant Other to park our car in a less-than perfect fashion?

However, I would like not to focus on your inability to park between the lines, I'd rather focus on your use of the word "Awkward".

AWKWARD conjures the image of an awkward teenage girl with braces and a large sweatshirt, attempting to hide her bulging breasts with arms crossed over her chest. Or the look of loss on the face of a college student, after the hot girl at the bar shuts down his offer for a drink with a rude snicker. 


Awkward is the feeling you get after your boss tells you your fly was wiiiide open during that 'very important client meeting. Awkward, although a wonderful word, does not conjure images of a badly parked car.

This explains your need to further explain yourself by adding the descriptor "(crooked)".

Please be considerate
to your neighbors and not park in an awkward fashion (crooked) ...
Why chose a word as complex as awkward when you are simply attempting to say: "Neighbor, your crooked parking screwed up my sleep patterns. Thanks to you, I have something else to complain about for the next boring decade of my life."

Well, neighbor, thank you for being considerate and leaving me the kind note.


 I would like you to know from this day on, I will drive around the complex parking and find your S.U.V and boldly park next to it in the most awkward fashion possible within the boldly painted white lines.

Thank you for your understanding.

Your kind and considerate neighbor,

Raquel

Margot's FIRST Book Review: War and Peace (we aim to please)

War and Peace:  WHY THE FUCK WAS THIS WRITTEN????

I had the honor, privilege and the horrific opportunity to read War and Peace.   Of course, most people think I did it because of some college class assignment.  Nope, I decided to read the damn thing because I had ran out of things to read. War and Peace was sitting on my parents book shelf, I hated my job and my boy-friend was running around sticking his dick into anything that moved.  
Needless to say I needed something to take my mind off my life. 

It weighs as much as the country of Papua New Guinea

So War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy was it.  Now like most literature written in the early to mid 19^th century, the language is something that a modern person has to decipher first.  Once you do that, it becomes like most modern books. I took the time to look up different quotes that Tolstoy used such as "capital!" i.e., wonderful. 

Moving on from that, Tolstoy is notorious for his use of a large number of characters. I figured: "What the HELL, I can keep them all straight!!!"  Um, no, there was no way in doing that.  How Tolstoy himself kept his own characters stories straight is beyond me.

After reading half of it, I still had no idea what it was about. I put it down and vowed to never, ever read War and Peace again. 

So one day, I was going through Netflix to add movies to my queue and there it was: War and Peace, with one of my favorite actors, Audrey Hepburn.

I'd tell you which character Audrey played, but I can't remember!

I figured what the hell, the movie would be easier to understand then the book right??? One night when I couldn’t sleep I popped it in, not realizing that it is as looooooooong as all of Lord of the Rings movies .

Long story short, I finished half the movie, and still had no idea what the fuck was going on.  

So again, I ask, why FUCK was this book written??????  

Simple: Tolstoy wrote it because he was miserable.  


He was a count from an old noble Russian line.  He married and had 13 children. He was also a big slut!!  As he grew older he rejected his title and wealth.  And pretty much became crazy!

But I suppose, if I looked like this:

Look! Each one of the hairs on my beard represent a character's storyline!

And if I were married to a woman who looked like this:

Is my son uglier than my wife? Oops! That's my daughter.

I would be miserable and crazy too.

So, if you would like to throw yourself off a bridge, but have not had the nerve to do it yet.  I have the solution!!!! Pick up War and Peace by Tolstoy, give yourself a week of reading, and jump off.

Till next time,

Margot

Ps.  War and Peace is a love story, or at least that is what I read in the brief summary on www.IMDB.com.  Could have fooled me.

Bill TELLS IT LIKE IT IS!!!!

AN INTRODUCTION
This is an example of why I love Bill. Bill tells it like it is. Slinky-like Stealth dedicates this post to those days in which were wronged and were silenced. For everytime we "WISH" we could have "SAID" something, but rather did 'the right thing'. For those days, Bill has provided us the perfect script to fight back. Thank you, Bill. You are the BEST-Raquel

###

Fucking motherfuck son-of-bitch asshole dick shitting infected puss-filled blood-blister on my ass with a crusty condom in my cheeseburger holding a severed finger to a pile of vomit and bile. Slimy ass-kissing skeezy hump-backed grandma raping bullshit machine.

I don't like you.

That is all.


-Bill

Introducing Margot

Introducing Margot:

Margot is our Chef de Cusine of Books and Sommelier of Movies. She reads books like the rest of us down In N Out. Margot sips Movies like the rest of us gurgle Pabst Blue Ribbon.

We welcome Margot with our arms wide open!

-Raquel & the Slinky-like Team