Sideways-The OFFICIAL Movie Review by Max

First off just to clarify, I mainly drink wine coolers. I'm a wine drinker, not a wine conniseur - there's a big difference.

I really LOVE the movie Sideways. The story is jam packed with all kinds of drama and fucked up subplot all neatly woven against a backdrop of sexually deprived winos ready to start humping at any moment.

The movie is awesome regardless of whether you like wine. Be it the beautiful California scenery, the wine, the infidelity or the completely unnecessary inclusion of butt sex, Sideways offers something for everyone. It's basically the story of a bachelor weekend filled with wine and random fornication. All Miles (Paul Giamatti) wants to do is drink wine and play golf with his buddy Jack (Thomas Hayden Church) but Jack has other intended uses for his putter than on the golf course.

we are fabulous because we know what foie gras is and drink meritage, yet we are so fucked up we are always fucked up

Not to worry, everyone in the movie gets their balls in a hole at some point. Even the cute chubby waitress takes Jack's beanstalk deep in the dumper before her lumberjack-type husband catches them in the act and later punishes her by talking dirty and giving it to her.

With Paul Giamatti's self loathing and self deprecating humor you can't help but root for him and hope he scores with hottie wine snob Maya (Virginia Madsen). If you were a fan of the X-Files you know her as agent Scully. They're the same person only one of them wears a prosthetic pair of breasts as a disguise. Her performance is amazing as a boring wine snob in need of some companionship and intellectual stimuli. Plus her prosthetic tits are hardly noticeable. The makeup artist did a great job.

Ok, I'm sorry dear reader. I lied. Scully and Virginia Madsen are actually not the same person. They just look alike. She's Scully's doppelganger but she's less dumpy looking and has way less droopy tits. The least David Duchovny could have done before hitting rehab for sex addiction was buy Scully a lift and some implants and had one last romp on her massive fake fun bags.

Anyway, back to my review...

Condom packing Jack gets the most action, none from his own fiancee but he boom-booms with Asian babe Stephanie played by Sandra Oh who promises she love you long time. Aside from Jack pounding girls, the movie has some sweet moments where Miles (Paul Giamatti) deals with his own issues and hangups, fights with a wine steward and then drinks the wine from the spit bucket and pours it all over himself like a belligerent high school kid at a Friday night kegger.

UGA UGA UGA UGA UGA UGA UGA

After tasting his grapes, Sandra Oh finds out that Jack is a cheating sleazeball and beats his ass with her moped helmet. On the way home Jack decides that crashing their car into a tree will provide a good excuse to his fiancee for why he's all banged up.

And they all live happily ever after. Well, mostly except maybe Jack's fiance who has a doucher for a husband and probably has a severe case of VD from all his shenanigans.

The end.


-MAX-

"Playah Black Book" from Guest Writer, Taylor

My best friend is a player.  Major league status. She’s a 3-point scoring, home run hitting, touch-down making , BALLER! I never realized what crucial piece in the 'game' a player’s cell phone is, until I witnessed my friend losing all her info on her phone.   

lose this and and a player is toast

I happened to be there while she reprogrammed her phone book. After 2 hard resets, 300 Facebook messages, a mild panic attack, and a 47-minute phone call to IT, I was lucky enough to sit beside her and witness the reprogramming of her precious black book. 

this is the equivalent of platinum dipped diamonds

Her electronic black book listed victims with normal names: “Tall Bob” and “Aaron?”. My player friend has some interesting ways of naming her next victims:

-White boy wife beater jeans killarneys

-Blonde dude with polo

-Black guy from sharkeez

-Random

And of course my personal favorite:
 -Paul DUI Alcoholics Anonymous  WTF????

This list totally proved my point. She had asked me earlier if I thought she was a player. I laughed for about 1/2 an hour saying “Yes, I didn’t even know that was a question in your mind!” I mean, the girl lives in an apartment that someone she used to date paid for in CASH for a YEAR. She hasn’t had a job in a few months, but goes out every single night and gets dinner, drinks, etc. Her bills are always paid.

What can I say?  It pays to play! Play on player!

~Taylor

"I say NO Thank you to you and your Fupa!" From Guest Writer, Sadie

No Thank You to a Fat Ass

First, I must share that I am not fat compared to the average fat-ass American.

However, I am not what you consider skinny by any means and I'm definitely not in shape. The downside of course to not being a visibly obese person is that anytime I eat around fat people they want to shove food down my throat!  

 They feel the need to comment on the small portion of food on my plate. Why does this bother them? It does not bother me that they have deluded themselves that a salad drenched with bacon, cheese and enough ranch to cover up the BP oil spill is a notorious meal. I also don't comment on how the 10 Diet Cokes they are drinking is defeating the purpose. But they feel the need to berate me and tell me I have all this extra room. Well if I kept filling my extra room I would look like their fat asses. NO THANK YOU!

Then it comes together, it starts to make sense. Fat people can't be the only ones getting fat. Just like an alcoholic needs someone else to drink with them so they won't feel the reality of the fact they are an alcoholic.

So I say Fuck You Fat Ass! And NO THANK YOU! I may not be skinny, but at least I don't look like you.

 xoxo 

-Sadie

Seizure Suzie

Most of my life I have been able to be in control and get the things I want.  But lately, I am at a standstill of being in control.  My brain decided a few months back that it felt the need to reboot itself.  WTF?????  I had a grand mal seizure -a way of your brain shutting down the body & doing a start over.  I thought only computers could be restarted, but, nope, the brain can too.  

I can think of many people who actually need a reset of their brain, Courtney Love, Amy Winehouse, even George W bush, but me???  

CTRL + ALT + DELETE

It has been like being in a bad dream you can’t wake up from.  I spent  5 days in the hospital eating crappy food & having a myriad of tests done to my body to be finally released. My entrapment begins as soon as I stepped out of the hospital.  Did you know they take away your drivers license for 3 months if you have a seizure??  How is one to get around L.A. without a license for 3 LONG months?


And if you know anything about California's DMV, than you know the 3 months is a lie! It takes 45 days for them to review you status following the 3 months license suspension. Then, like a 16-year old or a 90-year old, you need to retake your drivers test. Remember, California is the SAME state that can't seem to get a budget in place until 18 months AFTER the due date. After the 153 days, DMV reviews the reinstatement application a second time, and finally, after an excruciating wait, long enough to send anyone into convulsions, you get your license back. SIX MONTHS later. Fucking DMV!!!  

I despise you, hate you and want to chop you up into teeny little pieces!

Not only do I have to pay your high registration fees, wait in your long lines, but now this too.  If I would have gotten a DUI, I would have had it back quicker.  Aaaaahhhhh!!!!!  


And just in case you think getting a seizure sounds remotely cool, let me tell you about the meds I am on. First, you get an IV of this shit, which feels like acid running through my veins.  I think my veins were swollen for months.  I doubt even heroin swells your veins this much.  And, now I take the pill form of the same crap.  


This medication makes me feel like I should be in a corner drooling on myself while babbling about shit no one can understand, but me.  Without the meds, I have another alternative, another seizure and another 6 months SANS drivers license. If you have never had one, be grateful. You feel as if you are losing control of your body.  Never in my life have I felt like I was going to barf, piss my pants, and shat myself all in the same moment, even on my ugliest drunken night.  If you want to know what it feels like, ask Courtney. I have a feeling she knows. 

grand mal seizure or just another Tuesday night?

Well,l let me tell you this brain, the next time you decide it is time to reboot, I am in control!!!!  

Seizure Suzy

Seriously?!

It's my new favorite term.

Well it's always been a term I've used but I've only recently taken a deeper look into the many uses of this magnificent word in numerous conversations. For example:

1) When you're not paying attention.
Friend- "So there I was, staring at him as he was making out with my best friend... AGAIN! Can you believe this asshole? This is the 4th time!"
You- "Seriously...."

2) When someone drops a bomb and you have nothing to say:
Friend- "My girlfriend is pregnant. I'm gonna be a daddy."
You- (instead of WTF) "Seriously?!"

3) When you're in total and complete agreement with someone:
Friend- "Wow your ass looks really good in them jeans!"
You- (with a smile and a nod) "Seriously."

-OR-

Friend- "Omg did you see the way she looked at me?!"
You- "Seriously!"

You see my Slinks, I really don't find much use outside of this blog to use any other word than 'Seriously'. It's just that simple.

Seriously, 
Amelie

Cease and Desist

I think of myself as being as liberal. I am open. I am a free-thinker. I shy away from judging others.


Therefore, when it comes to sex, I will proudly support the full expression of your desires. Yet, in my world, I have identified a few situations where I can present a Cease and Desist order and I expect the recipient to comply. This doesn't mean that the activity can't continue, I simply want the activity to Cease and Desist in MY presence. IMMEDIATELY. 


The activity can "Get a Room!"


ONE         Dive Bar Girl-on-Girl Action 


I put a few dollars into the juke box to and got the dive bar a rockin'. I took a quick bathroom break and walk in to see: FULL woman on woman action. Not your curvaceous, drunken, girl-on-girl-action. It was sweaty, fat and biker grandma types going to town! I know, big girls need loving too. Especially after a long, hard  day of drinking. But when you are so fat that you can't close the bathroom stall door to hide your girl-on-girl lovin', please cease and desist from doing it in the dive bar bathroom.


Walking in on girl-on-girl action of that magnitutde....it is simply, impossible to get it out of your head! No amount good vibes in the juke boxes or shots of jaiger could rid one of those images.

TWO         It's all Good 'till the Anal Beads Come Out


I am all for expressing sexuality in each and every way. I hit up a club off Santa Monica Boulevard. The DJ's opening act was an S&M show. I applauded the 300 pound, 6'4, chubby man, wearing a vinyl corset and a tutu and six-inch heeled black boots as he walked on stage. He led the show, a dominatrix of sorts. Let's call him Dom-Dude.

Watching the show with the wonderment of a child at the zoo, I noticed that the music got intense and Dom Dude took a break. The DJ picked up where Dom Dude left off and the crowd started swaying. When the show started again, Dom Dude brought 2 attractive girls on stage with the mandatory whips.  I noticed a string of rubber black anal beads, each the size of my fist, make a disappearing act into DomDude's derriere. And here I, Raquel, would present an order to Cease and Desist. But I didn't have one....


After a few minutes, the beads reemerged. Let me say that the "exit strategy" wasn't smooth. And things were flying around that I wish to this day I never had seen.




THREE     It's all Good till the Fat Man in the Wheelchair Pulls out a Paddle


In my "I will try anything 3 times" phase, I had a hankering for goth clubs. I like the clothes, dig wearing black and goth clubs give me a valid excuse to wear my platform combat boots as if they were daily wear. Mainly, the clubs were the perfect wedge between bar hopping and after-hours.


I had a mad crush on a go-go dancer who rocked to Nine Inch Nails. He had pierced nipples, black electrical tape spelling S-I-N down his chest and leather pants and was hotter than Rose McGowan and Dita Von Teese combined. I quickly made his club a stop on my night time itinerary. One night, the club had a noticably different crowd.  The main floor was filled with older, much more rotund people, with whips and paddles and various S&M paraphernalia.  I made a beeline for the upstairs dance floor. Only to be stopped by a woman resembling St. Pauly's girl older-uglier-bigger-sister. She smiled. I smiled back and turned to go to the dance floor. She promptly spanked me. 


Shocked! No one had ever done that to me before. Soon after, I felt a nudge on my ankle. A fat man, with glasses and in a wheelchair, St. Pauly's male consort, pulled out a paddle. My new pasty friends offered many variations of experimentation, and NO was clearly not an option. NOW this would have been THE perfect time to serve them with a cease and desist order!

Explore S&M or live it! I thank St. Pauly's girl older-uglier-bigger-sister and her fat wheelchair date, singlehandedly shattered my visions of leather clad modelesque men and woman resembling Conan the Barbarian and Zena the Princess Warrior as people living the S&M or BDSM lifestyle.  


And now, every time I see a ping pong table, I recoil in horror.


Cease and Desist!
Get a room! DAMNIT!!! 




-Raquel

Observing the Natives: A Review of Huntington Beach's "Toolshed" by Guest Writer, Taylor

Sharkeez always delivers! A bar in Huntington Beach, California that consistently attracts the twenty-something crowd with cheap happy hours, dollar jello shots served in a syringe, shot girls, bad chips and salsa, and mediocre music

I wear Ed Hardy because I don't have a job, a personality or self-confidence

Walk into Sharkeez and you are guaranteed to promptly get visually raped by an array of Ed Hardy wearing 40-year-old man-children.  

Enter the gaggle of giggling, fake boobed, blonde bimbos in heels. May the lord help you if you need to go to the bar to order a drink, these girls will push you and shove you out of the way, as they stop every 2-seconds to snap pictures of their pouty lips and quickly upload to Facebook. 

We are blonde! We have boobies! We make kiss faces!

Heaven help you if you need to pee.  Sharkeez' single-stall bathroom is always busy by someone or someones doing something they shouldn’t. Usually something that takes waaaaaaay too long.  

This stall may be occupied by any of the following Sharkeez natives : 

• The 21^st birthday girl wearing a crooked princess crown and a friend holding her hair back as party princess pukes her guts out.
• A couple having drunken single-stall bathroom sex.  As a side note, they met 35 minutes earlier, the guy is wearing Ed Hardy and the girl has fake boobs and bleached blonde hair. 
• 5 girls stuffed into the tiny stall like circus-clowns-in-a-clown-car snorting lines off the back of the toilet tank--the same toilet tank that party princess puked on and drunk couple fucked on. 

What's in your tank?

Any of these morally offensive scenarios may be fun, but are a guaranteed fun-killer if you are the person waiting in line to pee. Especially if getting to go to the bathroom takes longer than getting 3 rounds of drinks and taking a picture with the Facebook photo-shoot-girls.  

Sharkeez reeks Acqua di Gio, Victoria's Secret 'Love Spell', and Summer’s Eve'.  

For Tools and Douchebags who go to Sharkeez

And to celebrate the unique ability to foster an environment where a brain and a personality is actually a liability,  Sharkeez, I rename you "The Toolshed".

-Taylor