DEAR JOHN and the 25/75 Movie Formula

No, I am not writing a letter to my boy-friend who likes to stick his dick into anything that moves. Nor is it that super cheesy 80's show that I somewhat remember from my childhood.


It is a movie called Dear John.

Dear John Movie Formula:


75%          2 weeks of falling in love
25 %         7 years of everything else


EQUALS


100% PIECE OF SHIT


I chose to watch Dear John after an emotional week (yes, we at Slinky-like have feelings other then a huge disdain for assholes we meet on a daily basis).





Dear John was originally written by mega-huge author Nicholas Sparks. Who is Nicholas Sparks??? Ever heard of a little movie called The Notebook? Nicholas Sparks writes love stories from the male point of view. 


Every girl wants a Nicholas Sparks man:, hot, complex, with some sort of sad, depressing or poor background and always falls in love with the girl he randomly meets on a fucking beach.


Hollywood, thinking it will have another mega-hit like The Notebook, decided to make Dear John, starring Amanda Seyfreid and Channing Tatum.


Lets start with Amanda Seyfreid: She is as cute as a button!!! We love her as the little blond twit who can predict the weather with her tits in Mean Girls (The only Lindsey Lohan movie that anyone will ever admit to seeing). We felt sorry for her when she was dancing and singing in the movie Mamma Mia. Well, we should feel sorry for all the actors dancing and singing in the movie Mamma Mia, that movie destroyed Abba for me (Damn Hollywood!!!). As far as her becoming a serious actor, makes it hard. She still looks like she is 15 yrs old. Makes it difficult to see her in a serious role, especially when the role spans over 7 years.

Like OMG I am like 15!!! Why am I covering my tits? It's cold outside!

Now Channing Tatum: where did this hot boy come from?? I have no idea. He plays a very good brooding man-boy.

One Man Boy Please with a side of Man Boy

The story goes like this: Channing Tatum is home on leave from the Army Special Forces and Amanda Seyfreid is a beautiful college student at home for Spring Break. He rescues her purse from the ocean when it falls off a pier.


And thanks to Nicholas Sparks, they meet and fall in love in TWO weeks. 


Movie Formula:


75%          2 weeks of falling in love
25 %         7 years of everything else


EQUALS


100% PIECE OF SHIT


Here is a brief on the 75% of the film:

• 9/11
• Channing Tatums' re-enlistment into the Army after 9/11
• A myriad of letters back and forth
• Amanda dumps his hot-ass while he's in Iraq
• She marries her neighbor with an Autistic kid
• Channing Tatum comes home on leave to say bye to his dying father
• He finds out Amanda's husband is dying of cancer (SCORE!)
• They eat one more meal together 
• They move one with their lives.
• One steamy love scene in a half-way finished house
• Oh and don't forget, years later, after her husband dies and he retires from the military, they happen to run into each other outside a cafe.

Is all this in order? Nope, but I guess the reason that this is not in order because NO ONE REALLY GIVES A SHIT about this movie. 


In fact, I don't even know why I am writing about it to begin with, other then I have some huge fucking beef with crappy love stories. I suppose it would hit some really touching points if the movie was actually worth watching.


But its not.


Dear Nicholas Sparks:
Go suck it and write about something else.
Asshole.


Dear Hollywood:
Your 25/75 Movie Formula SUCKS.
It's been done 85 times before and only worked 1% of the time.


How's this for a new formula:


1% bullshit
99% waste of my time


Margot