I don't have the emotional energy to write this blog......bitches

I was having lunch at work the other day with these two girls. Before hand, I asked one of them if they are going to spend all lunch talking about boys, shoes, make-up and trashing other girls. She laughed at what was obviously a joke.

So, about 20 minutes into lunch, and 19.5 minutes into their conversation about boys and the new boots tall blond girl was wearing, they started talking about Tall Blond Girls friend. I hadn't said a word up to this point, which is a miracle if you have ever spent 20 minutes with me, but I had to jump in.

She said she was talking to her friend and told her friend "I don't have the emotional energy to deal with you right now". Enter my part of the conversation with "Guys never say stuff like that to each other".

Honestly, it never comes up. There is no scenario, ever, when one guy has to say to another guy something like this. So we talked about that for a little bit and she came to the conclusion that this must be what guys have to deal with when putting up with girls. I simply told her that we do it EVERY DAY OF OUR LIVES and she had to do it for 15 minutes.

If one of my guy friends is being an asshole, I can just say "Don't be a dick" and it's resolved. If he is being a douchebag, I can just say "step away from the spray tan or I will punch you in the balls", then I get to punch him in the balls, buy him a beer and it's resolved. It's simple.

Or rather, it was simple. It has recently come to my attention that more and more guys are acting like girls, and these time honored traditions don't work for all of them. If you are friends with one of the guys that this doesn't work on, or dating a guy that says he "doesn't have the emotional energy to...", unless the next words he uses are 'make his own sandwich so you need to make him one', then dump him. Men need to be men, and this post is about the kind of men that you know can reliably get an erection without sobbing apologetically for disrespecting you as a woman by bringing a penis into your presence.

So, being as how my job is boring and uses exactly 0.00002% of my brain, I started thinking about all of the crazy shit that women say to men and NEVER to each other. Now, I don't know first hand, but I assume that women don't say these things to each other.

Short disclaimer: It's not that we don't have feelings, or even that we never talk about them. It's just that we express things far differently and much less confrontationaly than women.

First, we NEVER say, the phrase "emotional energy". We don't even know what that means, so if you say it to us, then we just stare blankly. I mean really. I know what energy is and if you say that you are too tired to deal with this shit, I understand. Your body has one energy type. Either you have it right then or not. Some things burn it out faster than others and some things replenish it better than others, but you are not compartmentalized into different kinds of energy that get used at different rates. If you are too tired to talk about something, then you are too tired. Don't blame the "feelings you get from talking about this" on the fact that you stayed up until 4am getting drunk last night and this friend called you at 7am to talk about stupid shit.

We never say "What are you thinking" unless it's in regards to something very specific. If I am standing in front of a sofa that needs to be moved into a house with a door too small for it to fit in and my friend says "what are you thinking?", I know what he means. We NEVER just randomly ask that shit. That would be like waking someone up from a nap and saying "so which way should we turn now". Makes no fucking sense at all.

If you ask me what I am thinking be prepared to hear a very long diatribe about one of the following topics:
The ballistic coefficient of various bullets and how to correctly manipulate them using the firearms I own.
Summer Glau's ass and what it would feel like to have her legs wrapped around my face.
How much I like steak.
The possible combinations I have yet to explore in movement possibilities of Capoeira and how efficient they would be at breaking someones ribs.
Knives and swords.
Ways to make money that wouldn't make me want to stab my left testicle repeatedly with an ice-pick.
Christina Ricci's awesome body and how much I have wanted to fuck her since she played Wednesday Addams.
How to get a hot Asian girl to do dirty dirty things to me.
Chocolate.
Pipe Tobacco and pipes.
If you are hot and NOT being annoying, I am also probably thinking about what you look like naked, or what dirty dirty things I want to do to you. If you are hot and BEING annoying, I'm thinking about how I want to do dirty things that would get you to shut the fuck up at the same time.

So as you can see, I am probably not thinking about anything you really want to discuss. I am not dumb enough to believe that you genuinely want to know. I know that you really want me to ask YOU what YOU are thinking, but you can't just come out and tell me, because you are a girl and girls are fucking insane.

Men also NEVER ask another man if they look fat in something. We might say "how does this look" on occasion, but never "Does this make me look fat".

Men don't say "We need to talk". In the immortal words of Eric Cartman, "When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude." That is code for "If you were happy before, you might as well stop being happy right now because this is going to suck for you".

Here is another one I have a problem with. Girls say that they just want us to be honest, but really, you don't. You want me to lie to you in order to validate what you think I should be saying. If that sentence sounded confusing then you are on the right train of thought because girls are fucking confusing.

Here is an example. Don't ask how you look in something unless you want me to either lie, or tell you the truth. The truth may very well be that you have some fat rolls coming out of the top of that strapless dress and those shoes show off how fat your legs got. The truth may be that you clearly gained 10 pounds in your ass since you bought those jeans and the bra you are wearing hasn't fit you in 5 years, so now you have double boob going on. Maybe your skirt shows how much fupa now have. Whatever it is, you don't want to hear it.

Another area is the "would you.....". If you ask me "would you have sex with that girl", you are clearly telling me that I am supposed to say no. But chances are that if I were being honest the answer is yes. Even the girls on Jerry Springer get laid. This is because guys would fuck pretty much anything. Get over it.

How about "Is she prettier than me". Now unless you are like, the most insecure hot girl ever (and I've met the worlds most insecure hot girl), the answer is probably yes. If she is on T.V. or in a movie, the answer is probably yes. If you ask me "do you think that 18 year old girl in the tiny bikini with the smooth rock hard body is prettier than me?" you are expecting me to say no, but she probably is.

So stop saying you want us to be honest, because that's a lie. Stop asking us stupid ambushing questions because you don't have the guts to just fucking say what you want to say in the first place. Stop using terms that make no sense just to be more confusing and complicated than you already are.

Fuck I wish I could be gay, but instead I have to put up with crazy ass shit all the time. I don't think I'm the first guy to ever say this, nor am I the first guy to be frustrated by this, but getting this info out there might just help one girl to be less crazy to one guy on one occasion, and that would make it all worth it.

Oh, and if we ask "what's wrong?" and you say "Nothing", we know you are lying. We didn't really want to know in the first place, but you made it clear that you want us to ask and now you are playing the "nothing is wrong" bullshit when that's clearly a lie. If we pretend like nothing is wrong after that and it turns out to be "the incorrect response", it's your fucking fault and don't be surprised when we fuck your sister.

Oh well, that's why they call them bitches.