I WANT to go to Rehab!

I need a vacation. It's been 3.75 years since I took a real vacation. You know, a vacation that you come back from refreshed, inspired-ready to take on the world by the MOTHER FUCKING BALLS!


A real vacation. Not a 'stay-cation' or a long weekend away. And I need this vacation asap. 

I started my vacation research and quickly discovered that my ideal vacation 4 years ago is very different from what I want and need now.

IBIZA! Sex. Drugs. Rock N Roll. Rinse, Lather, Repeat!

My ideal vacation now must include a giant dose of restful, peaceful, delicious, decadent, impeccable, blissful S*L*E*E*P*!

fat lil me, resting peacefully

I wouldn't mind reading a book on the beach, in a bikini, so my big, fat belly could protrude, full of yummy food. My big, fat belly, which I would rub lazily as I turn the pages of a book, would slowly tan in the warm sun, and prepare itself for the next delicious meal.

After doing as much vacation research as possible, I stumbled across the mecca of all vacations! REHAB! 

Fuck a vacation. I want to go to REHAB!!!

Look at this place. I am relaxed and refreshed already!  And hungry, did you see the gourmet meals? Those beds are so comfy and the pillows deliciously fluffy. 

The best part is I can talk about myself the whole time! I think I might pitch myself for the next Celebrity Rehab. I, of course, am not a celebrity. We all know that none of the 'celebrities' on Celebrity Rehab are true celebrities.


By definition, a celebrity is "a famous or well-known person". Look at the cast of Celebrity Rehab

Stage Mom=not a celebrity!

Fluffy drug addict heir=not a celebrity

Do you have any clue who they are? Me 'neither! Therefore, any non-celeb like myself can get on the show and directly into a vacation/rehab! I need to get myself an addiction, STAT!


Easy enough. I am highly addicted to espresso. I regularly consume 6-8 shots a day and can't get my brain to work before the 4th shot. I have chewed espresso beans and once considered snorting them (for a bet), since figuring out how to inject them was too long of a process to win said bet. I am so addicted to caffeine, that I will go to what I lovingly call 'The Evil Empire', aka, Starbucks to drink their so-called 'gourmet coffee' to get my fix. 


By definition, an addict is a person addicted to a habit or substance. And, I, Raquel, am highly addicted to caffeine. This is what I feel and look like if I haven't had any:

gimme some of that starbucks shit NOW

Of course, I would need some highly unresolved issues to talk about during my vacation, I mean, stay in rehab. Believe me, I have some unresolved issues:

#1 By 6th grade I had won 6 spelling bees. I competed and lost the 7th spelling bee and never, ever, ever competed again!

-I obviously fear competition.

#2 In 5th grade, Dickie grabbed my boob.

-I have been sexually harassed by men.

# 3 In 6th grade, Tom snapped my bra. I promptly elbowed him and broke his eyebrow. He has a scar and I was suspended from school. 

-I have anger issues.

I need to talk about them. You people read my blog, something is WRONG with me!!!!

The best part of vacationing in rehab is that I get bored, I can take drugs IN rehab! We all know that's where you can get the best shit! Don't you people watch Intervention ????

I really, really, really want to go to rehab!

-Raquel