Sideways-The OFFICIAL Movie Review by Max

First off just to clarify, I mainly drink wine coolers. I'm a wine drinker, not a wine conniseur - there's a big difference.

I really LOVE the movie Sideways. The story is jam packed with all kinds of drama and fucked up subplot all neatly woven against a backdrop of sexually deprived winos ready to start humping at any moment.

The movie is awesome regardless of whether you like wine. Be it the beautiful California scenery, the wine, the infidelity or the completely unnecessary inclusion of butt sex, Sideways offers something for everyone. It's basically the story of a bachelor weekend filled with wine and random fornication. All Miles (Paul Giamatti) wants to do is drink wine and play golf with his buddy Jack (Thomas Hayden Church) but Jack has other intended uses for his putter than on the golf course.

we are fabulous because we know what foie gras is and drink meritage, yet we are so fucked up we are always fucked up

Not to worry, everyone in the movie gets their balls in a hole at some point. Even the cute chubby waitress takes Jack's beanstalk deep in the dumper before her lumberjack-type husband catches them in the act and later punishes her by talking dirty and giving it to her.

With Paul Giamatti's self loathing and self deprecating humor you can't help but root for him and hope he scores with hottie wine snob Maya (Virginia Madsen). If you were a fan of the X-Files you know her as agent Scully. They're the same person only one of them wears a prosthetic pair of breasts as a disguise. Her performance is amazing as a boring wine snob in need of some companionship and intellectual stimuli. Plus her prosthetic tits are hardly noticeable. The makeup artist did a great job.

Ok, I'm sorry dear reader. I lied. Scully and Virginia Madsen are actually not the same person. They just look alike. She's Scully's doppelganger but she's less dumpy looking and has way less droopy tits. The least David Duchovny could have done before hitting rehab for sex addiction was buy Scully a lift and some implants and had one last romp on her massive fake fun bags.

Anyway, back to my review...

Condom packing Jack gets the most action, none from his own fiancee but he boom-booms with Asian babe Stephanie played by Sandra Oh who promises she love you long time. Aside from Jack pounding girls, the movie has some sweet moments where Miles (Paul Giamatti) deals with his own issues and hangups, fights with a wine steward and then drinks the wine from the spit bucket and pours it all over himself like a belligerent high school kid at a Friday night kegger.

UGA UGA UGA UGA UGA UGA UGA

After tasting his grapes, Sandra Oh finds out that Jack is a cheating sleazeball and beats his ass with her moped helmet. On the way home Jack decides that crashing their car into a tree will provide a good excuse to his fiancee for why he's all banged up.

And they all live happily ever after. Well, mostly except maybe Jack's fiance who has a doucher for a husband and probably has a severe case of VD from all his shenanigans.

The end.


-MAX-