This is going to piss off women everywhere!!!

As the only male contributor to Slinky, I feel I have to say this on behalf of men everywhere.

Women, STOP demanding respect because you are female. Respect is earned, not given because of your genitalia. Men don't owe you anything. Nobody, in fact, owes you anything.

Stop with all the double standard bullshit. If you judge a guy poorly because he didn't buy you a drink or drives an expensive car, yet get upset if someone calls you a whore, you are a hypocrite.

If you are dating a guy and all you do is complain about him to your friends, you are a fucking cunt bitch, and not in a good way. If you don't like the guy, then don't date/marry/sleep with him. Bad mouthing him to your friends every chance you get only shows the rest of the people in the room how shitty of a person you are. Fuck, you people drive me nuts. Bitching him out afterward is okay, so long as you take some responsibility in dating him in the first place.

Stop trying to change a guy after you are dating. It never turns out well. If you think that nagging someone to change him "just a little" is a good idea, then you deserve it when he looses it and fucks the 19 year old babysitter on your 'visitor towels' that nobody is allowed to use then pisses all over your 'fancy dishes' and pays your sister $200 that he stole from you to take naked pictures of her wearing that lingerie you complain about all the time. If you don't like him the way he is, then find another one. There are currently about 3.5 billion men on the planet.

I was watching some youtube comedy videos on line and I noticed a trend. Under "chick comedy", a channel that only shows women comedians, most of them were tragically unfunny. Not that women can't be funny, it's just that most of them talk about the same things. How fat they are, how it's so hard to lose weight and how they can't find a boyfriend or how their boyfriend/husband is so terrible. Guess what, if you are a fat bitch that constantly nags the guy you are with, it's no wonder you can't keep a guy around.

Men are supposed to be men, women are supposed to be women. Stop trying to change men into women because you think that it somehow degrades you if we stand up to pee. It's not my fault you can't write your name in the snow without getting all tired. You have boobs, we have this. We are different and that's okay. Some women actually like that we are manly, to the rest of you, try to be a man and put up with your shit for a week then you will see who is being oppressed.

If you are having an issue with a guy and he doesn't psychically know what is pissing you off for the 500th time that week, yet you refuse to tell him because "he should know what is bothering you and the fact that he doesn't is making it worse" then you deserve to get dumped in front of your mother and your old high school nemesis that is actually 5 pounds thinner than she was when you graduated.

If you start dating someone or get married then gain a bunch of weight, you are a fat pig and you should be okay with him telling you that it's not the jeans that make you look fat, it's the fat that makes you look fat.

If you use sex as a bargaining chip, you are a fucking bitch that deserves the herpes he will inevitably give you after fucking that slutty club girl he met at his friends bachelors party. That sort of manipulation is cruel. If you don't want to fuck him, don't date him. Sex is important.

You know all of those grudges you have been holding onto since you turned 11? The girl that 'stole' your date to the dance, the girl that showed up to the party in the same dress as you and looked better in it than you did, the girl that was rude that one time and acted all stuck up about her new whatever. Let it fucking go. Holding onto a grudge for 30 fucking years is called insanity. Going to your high school reunion to try and show how much better than all the other girls you have turned out is catty and retarded. You all gained weight, none of you turned out as amazing as you thought you would and none of your husbands are so spectacular that everyone is going to stare at you like you are fucking Angelina Jolie or something. Unless you actually are Angelina then this is not worth the effort.

Do you people realize that if you used this energy and effort on something actually productive, the world wouldn't have disease, energy shortages or famine in a single generation? Women have so much shit going on in their heads at all times, yet the majority choose to focus it on stupid crazy shit. Men basically have hungry, horny, and angry yet we have managed to build societies, travel to the moon and seduce women.

If the majority of your movies and literature center around overly emotional topics, often with a picture of some idealistic, yet 2 dimensional, male lead and some woman that is somewhat average yet desirable in her own way, don't expect anyone to think it is anything but trash. Chick movies and chick lit are not great artistic endeavors. If you enjoy them for their trashy appeal, then great for you, but don't expect the rest of us to consider it quality work in order to make you feel better about reading/watching it.

The rest of society does not need to change in order to make you feel better about yourself. It is far easier to go to the gym, read better books, or just be okay with not fitting in, than it is for the entire rest of the world to change for your perceived inadequacies. Every woman has things about herself she doesn't like. If we changed the way society thought about beauty to make all of them feel better, we would explode. Loose some weight, read a book, figure out what clothes would work for your body type. It's not that complicated. With the internet you can get all of the information you need for free. Stop complaining and do something about it. The world is unfair, get used to it. That's fucking life.

Learn to like giving blow jobs. If you expect your partner to actually want to go down on you and spend a lot of time down there, you are a hypocrite if you don't do the same. It is no more degrading to you to do this than it is to us. If you actually like doing it, then you deserve a guy that wants to go down on your for hours on end. If you only do it grudgingly, then you deserve it when he pays that sexually questionable prostitute $30 for a blowie that night you coincidentally come home early with your best friend in tow. Oh, and keep your stuff clean. You don't want him presenting a rancid wang to you. If you are providing a smelly workspace with bits of TP and stubble, don't be surprised when he doesn't give his best work.

If he isn't good in bed, don't complain to your friends endlessly about it. Either help him to get better by communicating what works for you and what doesn't, or dump him. Complaining to others doesn't fix anything.

If he keeps mentioning threesomes and hot girls in passing to you, don't get pissed at him or assume he is saying you are not enough. He is a guy. As guys, we are hardwired to think about sex all the time. If he stops this behavior, then you have to worry.

Topless

I remember my first trip to South Beach.

ahhhh....beautiful South Beach

 I was 18. I saw two things I hadn't seen before:


1. A man wearing a pink florescent thong with a perfectly tanned, round bottom
2. Girls sun-bathing topless

Not this kind of thong!

Come to think of it, I haven't seen a man in a pink thong since that epic day in South Beach.


Fast forward to yesterday, where I spotted the one thing that makes me cringe more at the gym than the Stairmaster: A TOPLESS man at the gym.


I get it, Topless Man at the gym.  You are proud of your developing body. You are happy your testicles descended. You are proud of your sweaty, hairy arm pits. You are proud that your voice only cracks a little...at the ripe old age of 35. I get it.


But, guess what? I could give a rats-ass that you are soooooo proud of your body that you must go to the gym topless.


MEN-DO NOT GO TO THE GYM TOPLESS!!!!!!


I do not want to see sweat beads form on your manly chest hair. I do not want to see clumped, white deodorant in your hairy, sweaty armpits. It's bad enough already that I must hear you man-grunts while "lifting". Or watch you watch yourself in the mirror while you grunt, sweat and sweat more.


Now that I think about it, there are places that will appreciate your topless manly swarthy hairy chest. In WEHO. At a club called Micky's. 

Look! Topless Men! Like you! Join THEM!

Come to think about it, the boys at Micky's might ask you to put your shirt back on!


With my shirt on,


Raquel

Imma Gonna Staub All of YOUSE

Dear Danielle Staub from Real Mob-Wives of NJ & Angelina from Joisey Shore/South Beach: 

Pint Sized Brawler

Stop the hate, already! Your so-called 'reality-shows' and faux-celebrity are filled with catty, horrid behaviors between women and full-blown-violence. 

I am a 41 year-old-woman who gets into brawls

-Extension ripping 
-Acrylic nail breaking
-Punching in the face

Woman-on-woman-hideous-violence!!!!

Stop it already! 


Just in case you don't understand my urgent plea:
Ima gonna staub all of youse.

Stop the hate!


-Raquel as featured in Project Peeve 

I love to hate STARBUCKS

One day, when I am old, I will appreciate Starbucks. 

Until then, I can blow my gasket every time I drive past one, see one, hear of one, walk past an empty cup tossed in an office trash can, see a bag of coffee branded STARBUCKS on a grocery shelf, or attempt not to run over teeny-boppers walking with frapuccinos . 

Take down yet another sign, bitches! Close stores # 601 and #602, see if I care!

 Any company says "This is what coffee tastes like when you pour your heart into it" and creates a pseudo-coffee product like VIA can SUCK IT!

Add water, make INSTANT CRAP!!! Starbucks Ready Brew Coffee

Yet, like a crack addict, I find myself driven to Starbucks when my personal supply of caffeine is dwindling. I've stocked my home and office with a selection of gourmet coffees and tea, and have secret stashes of loose leaf tea bags *** JUST IN CASE***. If I am stuck without any other place to source my crack, I will boldly walk into a Starbucks and order an Americano. 

Like any other addict, I have adopted a nonchalant demeanor when ordering my small (not tall WTF when did SMALL get tall???????) Americano with an inch of room. My insides twinge with regret and my pride stoops a bit lower just this once. But like the crackwhore who sleeps with the pimp, I will allow myself to walk into a Starbucks and order my caffeinated drink. 

 

I get my fix. Life goes on.

Hi Overly Perky Wanna Be Coffee Tender: Gimme mah crack or I'll keel you!!!

 

Just yesterday, I walked into a Starbucks where minions pawning coffee with overly perky attitudes (hey! only breasts can be so perky!) were wearing birthday hats to celebrate the 1-year birthday of VIA coffee and I was practically strong-armed to taste the shit. 

Hey VIA, why don't you die of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome like any other chubby 1-year old? 

Starbucks, you ARE the Evil Empire. You have taken away the peoples right to experience good coffee. You have tricked them into believing anything with your topless mermaid logo is coffee. VIA is NOT coffee! 

Repeat after me: instant coffee is NOT coffee. 

Starbucks, I love to hate you!

Raquel

 

The Big C

After inhaling copious amounts of nail polish fumes, I flipped on a new show called The Big C.

I think I had a beer or two as well.

Health Advisory: Inhaling nail polish, being surrounded by the smells of a bath tub bleaching itself, enveloping yourself with the sweet, sweet smell of acetone, after ingesting TWO Pacifico's causes TEMPORARY INSANITY.

With a titilating tiltle such as The Big C, I have visions of a show about THIS:

Add Teeth, Instant Vagina Dentata!!!

Or for those of you with delicate sensibilities, a show about THIS!

Nice Woo Hoo, Georgia

I was sadly dissapointed when The Big C was about CANCER!!!! Not the other C word I was thinking about!

No horror stories about vagina dentata castrating men. No stories about mean, evil women. A show about CANCER.

Now that I am out of my nail polish slash bleach slash acetone slash Pacifico induced minute of insanity, I ask: Is my mind in the gutter?

Sigh, sad, sad head nod,

Raquel

I Go to Brunch in a Child-Molester Van

Hi,  I am Chester!!!!

Meet Chester.


-He's green.
-He has curtains (and his curtains match the paint if ya KNOW what I mean *wink*.)
-He smells like cat pee.


Chester also has a flat screen TV in the back with super-cool captains chair in horrid, washed-out gray felt.


I tried my damn hardest to lure little children in the back of Chester.

Hey lil child you want some candy?

But, alas, I forgot to bring candy and to pull-over to invite children into Chester.


Thank you Megan's Law for your clear instructions for children:

• Remind children NEVER to hitchhike, approach a car or engage in a conversation with anyone in a car who they do not know or trust, or go anywhere with anyone without getting your permission first.

And that includes CHESTER, the van! 

Children: Never, ever, get into Chester.

Chester, my girlfriend and I went to brunch. We enjoyed a few mimosas and a delicious brunch. 


Chester still smells like cat pee. We might take him clubbing.

Cheers!


*clink* champagne glass

Raquel

Don't Panic: Taint Panang

Go ahead.

Snicker like a five year old.

PANANG sounds dirty.

It sounds like taint to me.

Thanks to the Mensa enlightened folks at www.urbandictionary.com, taint is:

"The area between the asshole and the nutsack that prevent a man from shitting on his nuts."

Panang is a Thai curry dish.

Thai dish full of delicious meat. FULL o MEAT!

I have eaten Panang. It's delicious. It has cocoNUT MILK, peaNUTS, FISH sauce.

People? Anyone else thinks it's funny?

I am sorry if I tainted your Panang. But Panang sounds like taint. And I KNOW it taint so!

Which leads me to ask the burning question: What IS Marilyn Manson signing about in "Tainted Love"?

I betcha it's about PANANG.

Don't panic: It Taint Panang.

Love you MM,

Raquel