Three months ago, I scored! I got a side gig at a wine bar to satisfy the food-nerd-slash-gourmand in me.
It's a pretty sweet deal: I learn about beer and wine, while tasting the offerings of California's top vineyards. In short 3 months, I have learned a bit about wine, more about beer, and tons about people who drink wine, namely:
- Drunks hang out in wine bars to feel sophisticated. Honey, your drunk trailer park ass is still trashy, especially in that Juicy Couture Tracksuit.
- 50-year old divorcees make out like 16-year olds, regardless if their bar wench (me) is an arm's distance away and can hear them mack-out.
- Inevitably, there is always going to be the "weird guy" at the bar
As Winter in So Cal goes, with a daily average of 75 degrees Fahrenheit, many a surfer dude, slaps his board atop his Prius and heads out to the beaches to 'hit the waves'.
Ladies, Gents and everyone in between, allow me to introduce you to Surfer-Dude-Wanna-Be-Wine-Connoisseur. Let's call him Surfer Dude for now.
Surfer Dude swaggers into the sacred grounds where I bar wench with a confidence that a man wearing crocs, khaki shorts, a pony tail and a stained white Tee should not possess.
Surfer Dude swaggers into the sacred grounds where I bar wench with a confidence that a man wearing crocs, khaki shorts, a pony tail and a stained white Tee should not possess.
As Surfer Dude walked into MY bar, little bits of sand lightly sprinkled the bar floor. I pride myself as being a person who is open and welcoming to all humans, even humans of the khaki short persuasion. More power to you, if you can pull it off with elegancia!
Alas for Surfer Dude he quickly transitioned from Surfer-Dude-Wanna-Be-Wine-Connoisseur into Weird Ass DRUNK Dude at a bar. He promptly drank himself into utter-stupidity.
I had to play referee between my pretty female guests, and one party promptly left. As the last party of pretty female guest closed up their tabs, Surfer-Dude, now, WEIRDO, noticed that I, gasp! had tatas and well, lady bits.
YIIIIIIIIIKEEEEES!!!!
In his highly inebriated mind, it made utter sense that he commence trying to woo me, by name dropping all the wineries and sommeliers (yeah right) that were his "CLOSE AND PERSONAL FRIENDS".
His surfer swagger turned into utter sloppiness after 2 glasses of cab, one glass of Pinot and TWO Belgian Beers. He was sober enough to get it that I was not impressed by his name-dropping and occasional belching.
Surfer Dude committed the ultimate offense: he let his hair down.
Literally, took his hair out of the pony tail and swished it around a la Fabio.
I had to play referee between my pretty female guests, and one party promptly left. As the last party of pretty female guest closed up their tabs, Surfer-Dude, now, WEIRDO, noticed that I, gasp! had tatas and well, lady bits.
YIIIIIIIIIKEEEEES!!!!
In his highly inebriated mind, it made utter sense that he commence trying to woo me, by name dropping all the wineries and sommeliers (yeah right) that were his "CLOSE AND PERSONAL FRIENDS".
His surfer swagger turned into utter sloppiness after 2 glasses of cab, one glass of Pinot and TWO Belgian Beers. He was sober enough to get it that I was not impressed by his name-dropping and occasional belching.
Surfer Dude committed the ultimate offense: he let his hair down.
Literally, took his hair out of the pony tail and swished it around a la Fabio.
I, stone-sober and utterly irritated at all man-kind, could not let this one go.
Me: “Wow. Your hair is long. Why did you let it out?”
Me: “Wow. Your hair is long. Why did you let it out?”
Sloppy drunk Surfer dude: “I’m just letting it dry out.”
Me: “Oh. Wow, It’s still wet after 3 hours?”
He promptly left and stiffed me a tip.
Fuck your sloppy, drunk ass and your Fabio locks.
-Raquel
P.S. I am still sweeping up sand from the floorboards of the hallowed grounds upon which I bar wench.
Fabio huh? Yuck. I bet he had to leave so he could get the sand out of his 'hair'. And by hair, I'm referring to the ones in his pants.
ReplyDeleteMay he itch for hours.