Sunday, December 19, 2010

"Santa was a Creeper" by Taylor


I knew my initial instincts about Santa were right.  When I was a baby and my parents took me to see Santa, I promptly started screaming the second the fat man started ho ho ho-ing at me.  Then, as I got older and understood that he gave out presents, I was still very nervous about the fact that this big red sack of jolliness was going to squeeze his fat-ass down my chimney.  What if he broke it?  Let’s just face it the chimney is not that big.  Then around age 4, it dawned on me, Santa was Breaking and Entering! You can’t tell kids not to talk to strangers and then expect them to be okay with it once a year when a giant stranger breaks into their house and gives them presents!!! I am just not that materialistic.  I was finally at ease when I found out there was NO Santa and my sleepless Christmas Eve's where because of excitement-not terror.
But seriously, what grown man wants to be Santa at the mall?  What man wants to dress up in a fur trimmed suit and have child after child sit on his lap? A creeper, that’s who! A creeper who probably sits there hour after hour hoping for  a group of teeny bopper blonde girls who  think it would be funny to sit on Santa’s lap. Who is Santa?  An old, fat man trying to buy your love and get into your stockings, that’s who!  I think we need a change in customs.

-Taylor.
after a million babies, Santa gets lucky and gets a blonde to sit on his lap. BAM SHAKA BAM BAM

Friday, December 17, 2010

All of you can SUCK IT!

It's been a week. And I am fed up! All of you can suck it:


-MY SINUSES
I divorce you! I divorce you! I divorce you! I divorce you! Your primary function is to allow me to BREATHE. If you don't let me breathe, why should I let you tag-a-long for the a free ride? For the past 8 days you wake me up feeling like a squirrel landed on my face and dug its claws into my head. On a good day, you make me feel like my brain is trying to escape my skull. Either way, you aren't doing your job! Sinuses, you can suck it!
I divorce you! I divorce you! I divorce you!
-DAYQUIL
How the FUCK are you legal? When I take you, my brain stops working and the rest of my body feels like it's all floaty. When nighttime rolls around I can't sleep. I should start selling this on the corners-I could use the extra cash. Dayquil, you are the new crack. You make me feel worse albeit barely functional and give me weird shakes. Dayquil, you can suuuuuuck it! And your evil twin, Nyquil, is even worse! What's with the weird hallucinations? Both of you can suuuuuck it!!!!


CRACK you are CRACK!!!!! 
-Starcrack Barista
Gulp! I ran out of espresso at my 'big girl job. Being the caffeine junkie that I am, I had to find the nearest caffeine dealer and shamefully walked into the corner Starcracks.  I neeeeeeeeed my fix *insert neck scratching*. Starcrack Barista-you can't pull a decent shot of espresso and I REFUSE to call your "Small" cup "Tall": don't tell me about trip to Napa Valley. I DON'T CARE! Give me my fix! You can't pull a decent shot of espresso or steam milk even if your life depended on it! Shut the hell up and do your job!


-The word 'EPIC' and any users of the word


The word 'EPIC' has been thrown around quite loosely as of late. Every Friday night is now referred to as "epic". Do not use the word 'epic' unless Friday night was a truly a heroes journey worth of a literary recognition. I KNOW your Friday night consisted of drinking Bud Light and endless banter about all the chicks you didn't bang but pretended you did. Your night wasn't "epic" and nor are you! If you use the word epic, you can suck it, cuz I know no one is sucking yours anyways.


NOT EPIC!
*Wow* I feel much better!


-Raquel

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I Beg You Adieu, Bottom Feeder!

Dear Tranny Whore Cunt Slut,
You think you are a hot Barbie doll, but you are just the 99cent store cheap imitation at the bottom of the toy box that no one would dare be seen playing with.
You brag about being a leach sucking money from your boyfriend while you sit on the couch all day and snort it away. If you had any brains at all you would realize that people envy achievements and accomplishments. Being a leach is easy. Being something great takes work.


You lie to yourself daily basis to make yourself feel better. No one blames you for feeling like shit. You are a piece of shit. But you can't be offended when someone calls you out on your bullshit.
You get naked for anyone that will look to boost your ego. If you were a sight to be seen, people would want to look at you for an ego boost. Yet, no one ever admits to being your voyeur.
Those that have been sucked into you and by you hang their heads down in shame. They wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole sober.
So you see we cannot be friends. We are just not at the same level. I am an independent intelligent woman and you are a bottom feeder.


So this is my good-bye letter. Good-bye tranny whore cunt slut. May you never infect my life again!
xoxo,
Sadie

Monday, December 13, 2010

PROFILE: Sweet Lil Carrie Artist and Tattoo Apprentice

I met Carrie at an Artifact Tattoo party at a dive bar. I went that night because I heard that there were free shots of Sailor Jerry Rum Sailor Jerry Rum. I like rum.

You met Carrie here Wearing This Corset Takes Balls - one of the most viewed posts on Slinky-Like Stealth Blog.

Sweet Lil' Carrie's Corset Piercing
If you look closely enough, Carrie's corset is comprised of: multiple back piercings, a white ribbon and a touch of fresh blood.

Carrie, an artist and tattoo apprentice, has bigger balls than most. Plus, she is cute as hell. I decided to see if she would let me interview her to see what life is like as an artist and tattoo apprentice. She said YES! 

Carrie's dermal anchors-cuz she's that bad-ass
I will admit there are a few places where I feel a wee bit nerdy and my self-image of 'pseudo-cool' is challenged. A tattoo shop is one of them. Plus, this was my first real interview!

I interviewed Carrie at Artifact Tattoo in Santa Clarita-a Los Angeles suburb-the shop where she practically lives at. No one yelled at me and said: "Who is that person? She is NOT cool enough to be here! Get out!" Instead, everyone was friendly and I was escorted to a quiet room blasting the soothing sounds of Tool. Ahhhhh, home!

my super cool shoes and socks
Carrie: Tell me about the corset piercing you were wearing the first time I met you

 Chris pierced me. He has been piercing for 6 years, so it took him only 5 minutes. Getting pierced didn't hurt. Very few people can do a corset piercing right, but Chris is an expert. I was really excited to be able to wear it that night! My biggest fear was that I would accidentally get caught on somebody and accidentally rip out the piercing. 

How long did you keep it in?
I had them removed that same night. Your body reject piercings in your back very quickly. Getting them removed was painful. It felt like when you take off a sweaty sports bra*.

*I take off sweaty sports bras all the time. They never hurt, although sometimes they suction themselves to my boobs, which is annoying, but not painful. I suspect that Carrie's tolerance for pain is a wee bit different than mine. Anyone up for me removing their sweaty sports bra to test pain level?

Do you have any scars from the corset piercing?
Nah. It looked like I had been stapled on my back for awhile though.

Would you do it again?
Definitely!

Have you always been an artist?
Yes! I have been drawing forever, my grandmother taught me.

Painting by Carrie Cameron
When did you decide that flesh was your medium?
I was attracted to the idea that my art could live on a person rather than be framed in a canvas. As an artist, I made al living working retail and hated it. I wanted to be a tattoo artist. I bought myself a tattoo kit online and tattooed myself when I was 18. After going balls-out on my own thighs, I decided that this was the career for me and that I needed to go pro. I had to find myself a mentor.

One of Carrie's first tattoos
How long have you been a tattoo apprentice?
I apprenticed for 4 months. I am working on my final piece and continue to work under my mentor, Justin Lewis. Technically, I am now a working tattoo artist. I have been for a month. 

Carrie working on her 'final'
What inspires you as an artist?
My mentor, Justin. He is amazing, he has been a tattoo artist for, like, 20 years.

How do you feel about Reality shows like LA Ink ?
I feel that it has made this art form accepted by more people and accessible to many.

What are some things that you don't like about tattooing?
People have the opportunity to be creative, yet many go to a shop and point at a picture on the wall. Millions of people are walking around with the same exact tattoo. They wasted an opportunity to carry a unique piece of art with them for the rest of their lives. Or some people just want some really stupid things like "Skeet Skeet" tattooed on their lips. Some people can get pretty nasty and forget that this is art that they will have for the rest of their lives. 

I've noticed most tattoo artists are men. As a woman, does that mean you have to work harder to prove yourself?
There is a stigma against female artists. It's perceived that a woman in a shop will be drama. Tattoo artists  mean business. There isn't time for drama. For me, it just means that I need to continue learn and strive to be better and I need to work hard to prove myself, regardless of my gender.

To Carrie's career, I *bow* and say, "I wish you success."And I have this tattoo that needs to get fixed!

Respect!

Raquel  

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Guest Post: "Did my uterus text you?"

As a 30-something married woman, I have grown accustomed to the following question:

"When do you plan on having kids?"

I typically brush off the question. This is a serious and personal question, and quite frankly, not something that you should ask a stranger.  It's not the same as asking: "Where did you get those shoes?"

What drives me up the wall is when a complete stranger asks my age, my marital status, then deduces that I am childless and proceeds to inform me that I have a deadline to produce children.

Who gave YOU the right to give my uterus a deadline?

Turn 30. Insert Quarter. Produce child.
This question is as intrusive as asking: "When is the last time you over-drew your bank account?" or "When did you take a shit?" better yet,  "So, do you like it in the ass, or what?"

The questioning began the very day I turned 30. At a bar! My 30th birthday was blissfully blurry. I only remember 2 things: I lost my favorite pink Chanel lipgloss, and what the bartender with the low-cut shirt said when I ordered my 4th mojito.

"Happy birthday! How old are you?", cute bartender.

"30!!!"

"Oh, wow, you only have 5 years left to get pregnant."

What? Bartender. Serve me my drink. Shut up and earn your tip. If you want a bigger tip, bat your lashes. Only open your mouth to ask: "did you want another?"; "shall I put this on your tab".

If you DO open your mouth, make sure it is to say something so flattering that I will add another 5% to your tip. May I suggest: "You look too young to be 30!"?

Do not, however, share your opinions about my childbearing years. Did your Bartending Degree come with a Minor in Uterus-Whispering? In the rare case that your have a minor in Uterus-Whispering Studies, perhaps I would indulge you and listen to your opinions about when I should bear children.

Cesar-Now The Uterus Whisperer
Strangers think it is their god given right to comment on my choice to remain childless into my 30's. Granted, I took the road most traveled. I went to college and earned my degree. I worked hard to take myself on vacation, buy nice wine and take an occasional weekend in Vegas with the girls. During all of this, I met a man that I fell in love with whose faults I accept-even if  he doesn't put the toilet seat down. We got married and moved to the 'burbs to live in a 2-story house that we can barely afford.

As a married, thirty-something woman, it is expected that I pop out 2.5 children, a dog, a mini-van and a white picket fence from in between my legs-hopefully not all at the same time!

That's 2.5 kids plus a boat! From her crotch!!!
At a work event, which involved copious amounts of wine consumption, my colleagues welcomed a new member to the team. The "new girl" asked me, "Are you married?"

"Yes!"

Wait.  For.  It.  Waaaaaaiiiiit!

"When are you having children?"

I really wanted to say "So, do you like it up the ass?", but instead, I responded politely "Not yet". She sipped more wine and asked the inevitable: "How old are you?"

"33"

"Oh, wow. Well you better hurry. You only have until 35"

This was a logical segway for my drunken colleagues to begin detailed discussions of pregnancy, childbirth and in-vitro fertilization. Note: These are not topics for polite conversation, nor should they be discussed while enjoying a fantastic bottle of Pinot Noir. They women detailed stories about freakish multiple births, like Jon and Kate Plus EIGHT.
In Vitro = Freak Family
Freakish multiples is the stuff horror films are made of. This is the reason I always keep tylenol in between my knees, to prevent multiple freak-show births.

The next time someone reminds me that I must procreate asap, this will be my response:

Has my uterus been texting you? Did my uterus tweet ya? Did my uterus Facebook you and say "it's time"?

You are a fucking stranger. Shut the hell up and don't tell me what to do with my uterus. 

My Uterus Hasn't Told Me When. Why Don't You Ask HER?????

Happily Childless and 30-Something,

Suburban Housewife




Friday, December 10, 2010

I WANT to go to Rehab!

I need a vacation. It's been 3.75 years since I took a real vacation. You know, a vacation that you come back from refreshed, inspired-ready to take on the world by the MOTHER FUCKING BALLS!


A real vacation. Not a 'stay-cation' or a long weekend away. And I need this vacation asap. 

I started my vacation research and quickly discovered that my ideal vacation 4 years ago is very different from what I want and need now.
IBIZA! Sex. Drugs. Rock N Roll. Rinse, Lather, Repeat!
My ideal vacation now must include a giant dose of restful, peaceful, delicious, decadent, impeccable, blissful S*L*E*E*P*!

fat lil me, resting peacefully
I wouldn't mind reading a book on the beach, in a bikini, so my big, fat belly could protrude, full of yummy food. My big, fat belly, which I would rub lazily as I turn the pages of a book, would slowly tan in the warm sun, and prepare itself for the next delicious meal.

After doing as much vacation research as possible, I stumbled across the mecca of all vacations! REHAB! 



Fuck a vacation. I want to go to REHAB!!!

Look at this place. I am relaxed and refreshed already!  And hungry, did you see the gourmet meals? Those beds are so comfy and the pillows deliciously fluffy. 

The best part is I can talk about myself the whole time! I think I might pitch myself for the next Celebrity Rehab. I, of course, am not a celebrity. We all know that none of the 'celebrities' on Celebrity Rehab are true celebrities.


By definition, a celebrity is "a famous or well-known person". Look at the cast of Celebrity Rehab
Stage Mom=not a celebrity!
Fluffy drug addict heir=not a celebrity
Do you have any clue who they are? Me 'neither! Therefore, any non-celeb like myself can get on the show and directly into a vacation/rehab! I need to get myself an addiction, STAT!


Easy enough. I am highly addicted to espresso. I regularly consume 6-8 shots a day and can't get my brain to work before the 4th shot. I have chewed espresso beans and once considered snorting them (for a bet), since figuring out how to inject them was too long of a process to win said bet. I am so addicted to caffeine, that I will go to what I lovingly call 'The Evil Empire', aka, Starbucks to drink their so-called 'gourmet coffee' to get my fix. 


By definition, an addict is a person addicted to a habit or substance. And, I, Raquel, am highly addicted to caffeine. This is what I feel and look like if I haven't had any:
gimme some of that starbucks shit NOW
Of course, I would need some highly unresolved issues to talk about during my vacation, I mean, stay in rehab. Believe me, I have some unresolved issues:

#1 By 6th grade I had won 6 spelling bees. I competed and lost the 7th spelling bee and never, ever, ever competed again!

-I obviously fear competition.

#2 In 5th grade, Dickie grabbed my boob.

-I have been sexually harassed by men.

# 3 In 6th grade, Tom snapped my bra. I promptly elbowed him and broke his eyebrow. He has a scar and I was suspended from school. 

-I have anger issues.

I need to talk about them. You people read my blog, something is WRONG with me!!!!

The best part of vacationing in rehab is that I get bored, I can take drugs IN rehab! We all know that's where you can get the best shit! Don't you people watch Intervention ????

I really, really, really want to go to rehab!

-Raquel

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I, Raquel, HATE the Holidays!!!!

I officially nominate myself as Grinch of 2010-without the wrinkles, grimace and hideous skin. Rather than spread joyous cheer, I have taken it upon myself to peeve about everything I don't like about the holidays. 

me! me! me!
What it boils down to is that the holidays are essentially a way for someone else to impose THEIR traditions on me...and I hate it when someone tells ME what to do! (insert stomping of foot)

Take Thanksgiving. No matter where I go, there is turkey. I am by no means a non-meat eater. A few years ago, I declared war on poultry-it's boring! 

i like it up the butt
Any and all foods that are nondescript are always described as 'chicken'. And turkey tastes, well, like chicken. Celebrating Thanksgiving guarantees that I will be subjected to poultry. No one, except a small number of self-respecting vegans ever challenge the turkey tradition. 

Christmas, of course, is THE holiday that really gets my beard. I am deathly afraid of Santa Claus. Any other fat man who grabs little children to sit them on his knee and listen to their sweet little secrets, while holding said child close to his groin, would immediately be listed on Megan's Law. 

look, it's Santa!!!
Yet, very few parents ever challenge Santa Claus! I once was a sweet, little girl who believed the unbelievable. One wintery December in NYC, Santa Claus picked me up from a crowd at Rockefeller Center and whispered in my ear: "What do you want for Christmas, little girl?" 

I promptly kicked Santa in his belly and punched him, as I screamed for dear life. 

Since than, my respect for anything related to the holidays has gone down the drain. So as the 'Grinch of 2010', don't tell me to be happy it's the holidays. And if you do, I will take my cue from Willow Smith and whip my hair back and forth! You haters!!!!




-Raquel

As featured in Project Peeve

Saturday, December 4, 2010

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

I keep watching this movie trying to figure out what its about. I am still not sure why it was produced. This screenplay in NOT based on a book. I wish it was. It would be nice to have a reference, like a book, this movie makes no sense!

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/81/Imaginarium_of_doctor_parnassus_ver3.jpg

The writer must know some people in high places. I am sure that this is the ONLY way the screenplay made it to the silver screen. Or maybe he knew the BIG NAME actors and he blackmailed them into doing him a favor and being in his pet project. The writer, Terry Gilliam, knows plenty of people in high places. He wrote Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas  and is the one and the same Terry Gilliam from Monty Python. Yep, same guy!

I understand Johnny Depp being in this movie. He makes certain movies just to prove he is not a total sellout. Colin Farrell is in this movie to remove himself from his "bad boy" image. Which is a load of crap, because he ends up portraying the dick-fuck. I am pretty sure Jude Law is only in it because they needed one more good looking guy with an English accent. And, well, do I really need to explain Health Ledger?

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/90/HeathJoker.png
RIP Heath

I don't know what is the   The Imaginarium of Doctor Panassus. I was able to decipher that Doctor Parnassus, played by Christopher Plummer Christopher Plummer who had already made a deal with the devil for everlasting life, finally finds true love. In his desire to be young again to marry his true love, he makes a second deal  with the devil, where he trades his offspring for youth. Bad idea. Deals with the devil. 

He marries his true love and has a daughter, Valentina (OMG, I love that name). The devil, who always seems to remember the nuances of his deals, contacts Doctor Parnassus 3-days before Valentina's 16th birthday. Doctor Parnassus doesn't want to give up Valentina. The devil offers him a wager: whomever gets 5 souls first, wins Valentina's soul. The wager is a mind-fuck, just like the movie. The devil wants souls and Doctor Parnassus must deliver 5 souls ASAP or he loses his daughter. Doctor Parnassus hustles like nobodies business to save Valentina. In the end,we learn that there good and evil within everyone, including the devil, who showed mercy on Valentina's soul. And sweet Valentina gets the normal life that she so desired-with a severely fucked up dad.

Terry Gilliam does have a great imagination. And I think that for most people who are screen writers, getting a movie like on the screen would be the most amazing thing in the world for them. But for most, it will never happen.

You need to be really open-minded to watch this movie. I really tried. In fact, I watched it twice just to make sure that I was giving you a proper review.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/db/ImagOfParn_one-sheet.jpg
This picture explains the movie to perfection. Oh wait, it doesn't explain anything? Yep, That's my point.

But really, if you are not stoned, drunk or on some other type of drug, this movie would be boring as fuck. I choose to watch it drunk. I thought that it was fabulous while intoxicated. It is visually stunning while intoxicated. You will only enjoy The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus while intoxicated, it won't make any sense, but you will have fun watching it. Sorry boys- Johnny Depp, Colin Farrel, Jude Law and Health Ledger-I love you all, but, sober, the movie is boring and doesn't make any sense!

Margot

PS I watched this movie at least twice sober. Maybe I need to take acid...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

SINGLE



It was all friendship, fun, and coffee till Ross got a MONKEY!


Yes I am closing in on 30 and I am single. Not single as in 'not married' or "I just broke up with someone". Single,  single.

As in YEARS since I have been in a relationship. As in 'I don’t date someone for over a month'.  I always get the same reaction when people ask if I am married, have a boyfriend, girlfriend, children, and I say NO!.  They say “WHY NOT?” They are amazed.

As in,  I should be put under a microscope and studied.

Insert in little teeny Taylor pieces and please, study me!

This is surprising to me.  You would think by all those TV shows that have been popular over the last decade like “Friends” and “Sex and the City” that have single people waaaaaaay into their thirties, it would seem perfectly normal to be single.

SINGLE Fabulous...till the show ends when they all get hitched





But it isn’t. And I never know how to answer that question, why? How do I know why?  I have nothing against relationships, marriage, all that good stuff. I just zero patience for bullshit.  And let’s face it, dating is bullshit.  No one acts like who they actually are when they first start dating someone.  I don’t play games and most people out there who are dating do. They have all these stupid rules that aren’t really rules and everyone has their own version of rules.  

DATING RULES:
Don’t call for 3 days
Don’t call for 7 days
Don’t call ever! 
Don’t go out with someone if they call the day of the time they want to see you
Don’t take calls after 11
Don’t call them first
Do call them first.  

It is ridiculous. Not to mention the fact that even though I am single I seem to be about a hundred times happier than the majority of my friend who are married or in relationships.  No offense to you guys out there but a lot of you just aren’t worth the headache. I am sure someone out there is, but until I find them I will respond to the “WHY NOT” relationship question with “why are you in one?”

~Taylor

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

God's Unwanted Children

Breast: refers to the front of the chest or, more specifically, to the mammary gland. The mammary gland is a milk producing gland. It is composed largely of fat. (via www.medterms.com)
http://www.naturallyintense.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/breast-cross-section.png number 7 is pointing to the fat
Now I would assume this is a fact that most of us know. And knowing this fact gets me giddy when I start to gain weight or extra fat because I know my boobs begin to grow! And who doesn't love big boobs. I love them! Especially, on me!
http://stuffgamerslove.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/bigboobanime2.jpg
However, I know you have all seen it one time or another. It is a creature as elusive as the Big Foot but we all know it is out there. A FAT FLAT CHESTED WOMAN. They defy science. How is that a woman who is mostly comprised of fat does not also possess breast that are also mostly comprised of fat. Even fat MEN have boobs.
 http://goodmusicncoolstuff.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/man-boobs.jpg
There is only one explanation. They are God's Unwanted Children.
.http://www.hollywoodtuna.com/images/bigimages/kelly_clarkson_bkini_9_big.jpg
xoxo Sadie

****OFFICIALLY*****Introducing Sadie

Sadie. *sigh*

She is the author of such gems as:

I say NO to your pupa!


Letter to my nut job boss *read when you are mad at your boss, it will bring sunshine and rainbows to your day*

I have hinted at my fear of Sadie several times. This is not drug-induced, sleep deprived, espresso-accentuated paranoia. See, I know Sadie pretty well. She is dazzling and keen. Her sharp wit and gleaming eyes are fetching. But don't be hypnotized by her feminine wiles. I know that inside she is an angry little girl, who kills bugs and mercilessly stomps on egos with her little mary-jane's.

Readers, followers, friends, please welcome Sadie  and her black, evil, little heart to Slinky-like Stealth Blog.

*sigh*

-Raquel

PS: This may or may not be my last post. If it is...than Sadie killed me. I secretly think she is the next American Psycho. If she did kill me, my shoe collection goes to Taylor, my nail polishes to Amelie, my stockings to Bill D., my machete to Max and my mustache to Margot. 

Sunday, November 28, 2010

OWN WHAT GOD GAVE YOU

This one is for the ladies. Imagine meeting a great guy. He's handsome, he's successful, he's confident and charming and he's into you. He's everything you want in a man and you have amazing chemistry. And of course you can't help but notice that he also fills his jeans quite nicely. When he takes you out you know he's into you. You can feel him as you dance floor and you're thinking you found the perfect guy AND as an added bonus he's well hung. Jackpot! You tell your friends you met this great guy and they're jealous when you tell him his bulge is HUGE. You daydream about him while you're at work and after every date you go home and think very un-ladylike thoughts about him. Your mother would be ashamed.




Several dates later, after a few hot and heavy make out sessions, some dirty dancing and no shortage of increasingly dirty texts and emails, you find yourself partially clothed on the sofa. You look into his eyes coyly, unbuttoning his jeans with a devilish grin and then slowly lowering the zipper. Your heart is pounding, a wave of heat envelopes your body, your mouth is watering as you realize the moment you've been fantasizing about for days, maybe even weeks is about to become a reality.

You reach your hand inside and pause. You make one last momentary hesitation before seeing and touching it for the first time. It's massive. For the first time you shudder in fear at the consideration that this guy may actually be TOO big. You run your hands over it but you can't contain your curiosity and you know you can't wait any longer. You slip your fingers inside the waistband of his briefs and lower them to reveal a surprise that leaves you breathless.

It's so big you're in a state of shock. You see what's by far the longest...thickest...rolled up men's size 11 tube sock you have ever seen.

And underneath is a cocktail weenie. He tells you not to worry, he has other talents.


Ladies, we know it's tempting but please, please, for the sake of humanity PLEASE  resist the urge to enhance your assets by non permanent means when dating. The Wonderbra is public enemy #1. And if you wear a waterbra or some other supreme boobie enhancing padded device forget it. You don't realize what you're doing to us with those things. You see, what you don't know about men is that when we're interested in a woman we picture her naked. We get excited by the idea of you unveiling your body for the first time. We wonder what a woman's boobs are shaped like, are they soft or firm, are the nipples pink or brown, big or small and one of the most exciting things for us is to explore your body and find out.

Then when we see them or touch them for the first time it's a shock. It's like ordering a delicious chicken dish at your favorite restaurant and the waiter bringing you a plate of scrambled eggs. It's not that eggs are bad, you love eggs...but you were expecting chicken. You're hungry so you don't send it back, instead you eat it with disappointment.

And that's what you've just done. Yep, next time you unhook your padded bra and a guy is seeing you or feeling you up for the first time those mmms and ahhhs he's making sound like pleasure. Make no mistake, he's crying on the inside. Those are the sounds of disappointment.

OWN WHAT GOD GAVE YOU! If you have a small ass, wear booty shorts. If you have a big ass, wear dresses that accentuate it. If you're gifted with great natural tits, good for you. Work the hell out of them knowing it drives men crazy and yes, many women. If you have small tits, work the hell out of them. Go bra-less or wear a thin one and a sheer or super thin top and let your nipp show a bit. Be sexy. A flat chested woman who's confident and knows how to work it is hotter than some fake bimbo any day of the week. Some of the hottest women in the world have small tits - Kate Hudson, Debra Messing, Kate Bosworth, Jennifer Anniston, Amy Smart, Jessica Biel, Cameron Diaz, Sienna Miller, Hayden Panettiere, I can go on for days. All hot babes and all of them are card carrying members of the itty bitty titty committee.

Once we're with you it doesn't matter and we don't mind seeing your fake cleavage. It still turns us on since we already know what's underneath. But before then it's like a cruel bait and switch game. If you want to fill out dresses and tops and you want bigger boobs - buy them. If you want your man to love and appreciate your small tits and not ogle every busty babe he sees be real with him from the start. Chances are it's just your hang up and he doesn't care how big they are and probably likes them just fine the way they are - without the padding.

If you want bigger ones go for it. Get some fake ones and stop trying to trick us!

-MAX-

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Financially Embarrassed

I love my Grandma. She is your typical Depression Era grandma. She bakes cookies and pies. She eats all of her vegetables out of a can. She sews quilts. When she can't think of what to get me for mybirthday, she sends a check for $10. She walks a little slow, is a bit hunched over and has short, curly grandma hair.

My grandmother, who has been married to the same man for 65 years, is a wonderful and loving person. I would shot myself in the eye before ever saying or doing anything that would cause her any type of heartache.

My grandmother, growing up during the Depression Era, has a very different view of what life is like compared to our generation. So many of us don't understand this mentality. I don't get the mentality. But because of my grandparents, I have learned to shut my mouth and ignore a lot of what they say.


Every time my grandma comes to town, she feels that this is her chance to break away from my grandfather and explore her food options. She loves food, all food-especially if she doesn't have to cook it. We leave grandpa at home with his Spam, and we go out on a food adventure!

"No hunny, not tonight!"

I ask my grandma the day they get to town if she would like to go to lunch with me the next day. We started off at this little local Tex Mex place that has amazing 'queso'. We order, they bring too much food, we eat what we can, and take the rest in a box. The check comes and my grandmother, being the generous person that she is, picks up the check and says to me:

"Honey, don't worry about it, its my treat!"

me: "Oh grammy, but I invited you to lunch, I will get it"

"No honey, I got it."

I quit fighting her. Grandma leaves a $2 tip, and I rush her out the door before the server notices the 5% tip.
Remember, Depression Era Grandma.

On the drive home, my grandma is alerting me, "honey, the light is red," "honey, the light is green", "honey, in the lane next to you, there is a car". I, of course, vow, that during our next food adventure, grandma isn't going to stop me from paying!

Thanks to grandma's back-seat driving, we arrive home safe and sound. I decide to address the 'whole who pays the bill' and say, "Grammy, thanks so much for lunch! That was really nice, but next time I am paying."

To this she responds, "Oh honey, your welcome, its OK, you don't have to worry about paying. I know that you are financially embarrassed."

My mouth dropped to the floor. Financially embarrassed! What do you even say to that? I have never even heard of that before!!! Financially Embarrassed? After regaining my composure, I started laughing. And I laughed for about 10 minutes while my grandmother looked on, puzzled.

"Is that how you see me?? As financially embarrassed?"

Grandma says, "Oh, I know you don't have much money." And, this, of course, is true.

I had nothing left to say, 'cause she was right! I can justify spending $300 on a pair of shoes, just like she can justify spending $12,000 on a sewing machine.

My Grandma in the 50's
I suppose the only thing I can think of is that the Depression Era generation is embarrassed as to how our generation spends money. Embarrassed about how much debt we are in and how we use credit for everything. They are not embarrassed about our tattoos, piercings or the fact that we live with our boy/girlfriends before we get married, like I always thought. But to them, it is our obsession to buy stuff they view as useless as an embarrasment.


My grandmother made her own clothes growing up and she still does today. My grandparents live in a house that my great-grandparents built in 1930's. A house that was paid for in cash. My grandparents use cash for everything. They don't live paycheck to paycheck like most of us do. They don't buy fancy things or go to fancy restaurants. To some, I suppose this would be a boring life, but they have the security of knowing that they don't need life insurance to help their spouse financially for the rest of there lives after they die. They have the money, they have saved the money, and they will have something to give to their children when they die. In fact, they prepaid their funeral plots in cash, many years ago.

So, in conclusion, Thank You Grammy, for the slap in the face and the good laugh.

Margot


Love you Grammy, forever.

Margot

Friday, November 26, 2010

Deli Disaster

Just the other day, I did something that I watched my grandmother do when I was a little girl. As I put on my favorite polka dot pantyhose, I noticed I had a run. Immediately, I pulled out clear nail polish and dabbed it on either end of the run. My grandmother always dressed to the nines. Heels, matching purse and enough blood diamonds to make an activist cringe. Grandma always wore pantyhose. As a child, I watched her put on pantyhose. Once in awhile, she had a run and she, just like I did, dabbed the run with nail polish.


A simple run in my pantyhose made me think about things that are timeless. Things that are passed on from generation after generation. Things like a lady slipping into pantyhose and putting on her favorite pair of heels. And generations of women did exactly what I did the other morning, dabbing a bit of nail polish on their stockings to stop a run.

I staunchly believe that a some things should be timeless. Things that should remain the same. Things such as:  the perfect way to pull a shot of espresso, dive bars and quaint delis. And believe me, I am very passionate about ESPRESSO, DIVE BARS and DELIS.

Just the other day, I trekked over to my favorite deli. This deli is older than most Slinky Like Stealth Blog readers.The deli is TIMELESS. The menu never changes, chilly pitchers of  Stella Artois for $9.99, surly men in aprons behind the counter, dusty, overpriced Italian items for sale and dry-cured meats hanging from the ceiling. It is owned by a little Italian grandma who makes you pine for your Italian grandma, even if you aren't Italian.


My mission was simple.

Drive out of my way to savor the delicacies offered by this quaint, timeless deli. My plan was to get myself a 20 ounce chilled mug of Stella, while I browsed through the latest LA Weekly, and patiently wait for my order to be prepared. I would down my Stella, take my order home, plop down on my couch next  to Mr. Slinky*, eat my Italian Cold Cut Sandwich and watch "From Paris With Love"--a movie full of testosterone and guns. This is the United States after all. We can do these things without any guilt, shame or thought of the people who live in cities without Italian Delis owned by Italian Grandmas.

my deli is better than yours damn right!
Cue Deli Disaster.

Behind the counter is my personal nightmare: a bleach blonde 20-something that Margot would lovingly call a 'twit". Now this is MY damn timeless Italian Deli owned by old Italian lady I wish was my Italian nonna. I expect to find surly men behind the counter who don't speak English, wearing crisp aprons, who understand 2 things: "I need my beer NOW" and "The rest of the order will be to go."

No need for "thank you's" or "please" or any other unnecessary pleasantries.

Except for the day that the Italian Deli Grandma got senile and hired The Blonde Twit. The Blonde Twit has perfect command of the English language, yet, she is too dumb to understand my simple request.

My order went like this:

"I would like a Stella on tap while I wait. And the following to go: An Italian Cold Cuts Sandwich, A Meatball Sandwich and A Coke"

Note my exclusions of all pleasantries such as "Hello" "Thank you" "Please". This deli don't play that. You order, you get served, you pay, you eat, you get happy and you LEAVE!

Unfortunately, The Blonde Twit can't handle the simplicity of my request. It is, of course, too confusing, and requires that I repeat my order 3 and 4 times. I notice The Blonde Twit is not wearing the mandatory Deli Apron. She is too dumb to wear the apron.

Once we resolve the order 'issue'. I pull out my LA Weekly and wait impatiently for my ice-cold Stella. Twit forgets the Stella. I get up and walk behind the counter to tell The Blonde Twit "I am thirsty."

Apparently, Blonde Twit incapable of placing a simple order gets pissy. She looks down at the counter and says "You can serve yourself water over there."

The Blonde Twit has officially pissed ME off. I look at her and say: "I need my beer now. I ordered it for here 10 minutes ago, and I would like to get the beer NOW!"

You could almost see the synopsis in her brain make connections. ALMOST. I got my beer.

I walked up to the counter again. This time the Blonde Twit looked up and politely asked "Is there anything else I can help you with, miss? Me: "I was wondering why you aren't wearing the deli apron?"

Blonde Twit thinks I am, like, oh my god, like, her BFF now!!! Her face brightens as she says: "It's cuz it's like, so, uuuuuuugly!!!" She points at a sticker on her chest. "See, everybody knows I work here because of this sticker!"
I am a TWIT
 I dislike The Blonde Twit even more now. She thinks that Italian Grandmas Italian Deli is actually a place to make a fashion statement. Her sticker is scribble with teeny bopper writing. I say: "It says: "I work NERD!" and walk away.


The Blonde Twit face fall as she whines over the counter: "It says: I WORK here!" She actually stomps her foot in her designer jeans. 
I hope that The Blonde Twit would slip and fall and that the corner of her HELLO MY NAME IS sticker would slice her eyeball and blind her. Maybe then, she could appreciate the beauty of things that are timeless.

May this serve as a warning to all: Don't fuck with my deli, my dive bar or my espresso!!!

-Raquel


*Mr. Slinky is my Significant Other...you will hear me complain about a lot when he is sleeping like a baby and I have miserable insomnia (again) and wish I could kill him with the machete I have under my bed.