"This Dancefloor is the PITS" From Our Guest Writer, MAX

Sorry ladies, sometimes your Lady Speed Stick just doesn't cut it.

If you stick this lady up your ass, your farts still smell

 
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your PH balanced Secret isn't strong enough for a man, and despite what the commercial tells ya, it ain't strong enough for your stank-ass either!

Let me tell you a Secret: Your pits STANK

Yes, we, the other humans of Planet Earth can smell YOU and, you stink like shit. I'm the representative speaking on behalf of the rest of the people on the dance floor and I come in peace.

Oh, I know, sweetheart, believe me...maybe you forgot your deodorant or it wore off and I'm sure you smell good 90% of the time and that's wonderful. Maybe your allergies are acting up and you can't smell yourself. It doesn't change the fact that nobody, not even that greasy, broken-English speaking date rapist who hit on you on the way to the bathroom line wants to smell you on the dance floor. 

All I have to say is DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!

For the love of god, invest $4 for some Right Guard. You can hide it in your safe or under your mattress and break it out on special occasions. They make a clear sport gel that's fucking fantastic. It keeps even the gnarliest of dudes smelling good through a hard workout and I promise it will keep you smelling good through a long night of dancing. There's nothing that kills your vibe faster when you're grooving with your honey than smelling someone else's B.O.

No Gel is STRONGER, this gives your pits XTREME ENERGY

And while we're on the topic of dancing, please, please, please don't bump into other people repeatedly. There should be an unspoken law - if there's plenty of room but you still bump into someone else more than twice you should punch yourself in the face repeatedly until you're unconscious. And don't step on other people's feet. Have the self-control to STOP dancing. Seriously. If you're that wasted and/or you just dance like total shit, it's okay. Jesus still loves you but please realize right now that you ARE "THAT GIRL" or "THAT GUY" and get a grip. It's not an insult but it is reality. The issue isn't your dance skills or lack thereof, it's your total lack of self-awareness. I'm one of few straight men who can rock white shoes like a motherfucker and thanks to you my insanely awesome white leather shoes now have an irreparable black dent in them courtesty of your stilletos from when you stepped on me. The worst part is we weren't even dancing together.

-MAX-