Smooth. REAL smooth.

The weather is changing. The air is getting colder, the leaves are changing colour, blah blah blah. This time of year, I wanna spend my weekends popping bottles and dancing to keep from getting frost bite (one probably can't get frost bitten in LA but I'm not taking that chance).

This past week I had plans to have drinks and watch movies with a guy we'll call.... *Smooth. Thankfully he's quite the opposite of Mr. Clingy.... even his name is an oxymoron of sorts, as you'll see.

So yeah, we had plans.... up until he had to flake with an hours notice. There's literally no excuse to cancel last second unless of course, you are me and in that case you can get away with murder, all with a wink and a smile ;)

Typically I mind when these things happen but I leave my game face on for good measure. That is until I see his status update on Facebook: "What's going on tonight?!"

Seriously?! Like, are you kidding me. SMOOTH. And the cherry on top? The text I get from him during booty call hour:



Sorry Smooth, but it's much too late for your pathetic efforts, I'm already happily posted in the arms of a hottie with a rock hard body. Not that I'm the type to jump from guy to guy, but I think Santana from Glee said it best in the episode titled Duets: "I'm like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me or I can't digest my food."

I'm a closet Gleek

And let's be real, I'm just a girl trying to get my mac on! I just hate liars, although the change of plans did segway into a fun night at a Halloween party and yes, into the arms of a hottie with a rock hard body. Yummm, more on that subject in a later post ;)

Happy Halloween Children

~Amelie


*Let me introduce you to an asterisk. It means someones name has been changed genius!

Booty Call Hour

As defined by Urban Dictionary:

1. Booty Call Hours

From right before or after midnight through the predawn hours.

The booty call hours apply to every night. Especially after the club.


As defined by Amelie:

The hours between midnight and 4am... anytime after 4am and that's a different brand of trouble.

During this time one might receive a "booty call". A booty call is a number of texts and calls, typically from guys or girls under the influence of beer, liquor, club drugs and Kanye West. The only purpose of these texts is obvious.... to get some epic booty.




Now the really cool thing about Booty Calls is that you don't necessarily need to be out at the club or a party to get one. You can just be hanging out with a few friends, watching a movie or even asleep. And never fear! A Booty Call is almost always a good thing. It means you're a hot piece of ass and someone wants to get up on that.



Get some!

~Amelie

Really? You Tube? Really? Kittens?????

KITTENS and CATS are the most popular videos on You Tube!

Cats are EVIL!

Cats are creepy!

Cats always seem to have something better going on. 

And, cats cough up HAIR BALLS. What does that? Honestly!

The last time I checked, cats aren't cute and grow up to be evil animals connected to the spirit world.



Last time I checked, the only kitten I liked was minced into a hot dog. 


And what's with the weird purring thing?????????


Hisssssssing at any and all kittens/cats right now,


-Raquel

Say you like it, Bitch!!!!

Technology: I DOMINATE you!

You were put on this planet to SERVE ME!!!!

We are not created equal!

I whip YOU!

Technology, You are my servant! Never, ever, ever forget your place!

Blackberry: DIE!

Laptop: Do as you are told!

Technology: You are MY slave, now get down and lick my boot!

LICK IT!!!!

***whip***

Say you like it, Bitch!!!!!

***whip lash***

-Raquel

My Love Hate Relationship with JENNIFER'S BODY

No doubt, this happen to be one of the WORST movies I have ever seen. This movie was officially the BIGGEST waste of my time yet.

I hate JENNIFER'S BODY because:

This movie is horrid.

I love JENNIFER'S BODY because:

I heart Megan Fox. She's foxy!

To elaborate:

This movie was horrid because it had no plot, no distinct reason as to what happen to Jennifer and the characters were way off.

They are really only two main characters in this movie, Jennifer played by Megan Fox and our favorite little blond twit Amanda Seigfreid who played a girl named Needy. What??

Look, no cleavage! And Needy, looks, well NEEDY

Well, the story goes like this, I think. Megan Fox and her friend, played by Amanda Seigfreid, our favorite blonde twit, go see some band at a hole in the wall bar and the lead singer is into satanic crap. The lead singer is played by Adam Brody from the OC.

All of a sudden, the bar catches on fire and no one actually notices until people start catching on fire.

Megan and Amanda happen to make it out safe and Megan ends up taking off with Adam Brody and his band of devil-worshiping freaks to some remote forest to sacrifice her so that they can become famous. No one really knows this till half the movie is over.

Megan Fox comes back as blood sucking, killing, intestinal eating dead girl, and the only reason for this is because she wasn't a virgin. HELL YEA!!!!

Foxy, yeah. Blood Sucking, yeah. BUT NO CLEAVAGE????

She starts taking out the boys at her school, makes out with Amanda Siegfried (cuz she's Needy, get it?) The end result is that you are not really sure if all of this really happens cause you see Amanda attacking and killing Megan with a box cutter and her in a mental hospital.

That is it, that is all there is to this movie!

Nothing more.

NO NUDITY!!!!!

Nothing even remotely interesting to watch at all.

What is most disappointing is who wrote this film. Her name is Diablo Cody. Why do we know who she is??? She wrote fucking JUNO!!!!!!!!!!! How could Jennifers Body be so fucked up!!!!!!??? Did any of you see Juno??? It was amazing! Jennifers Body, lame!!!!!!!!!!!!!


On to why I love it:

Diablo Cody, who strips as a hobby, wrote it (as mentioned above) and Megan Fox is in it. But that is about it. Since Megan Fox pukes up a bunch of blood in the beginning of the movie, she kind of turns you off for the rest of the movie.

This was a pointless movie. If you have nothing to do and I mean nothing, meaning you should want to sell your body to crackwhores on the street before watching this movie, then I say go for it. If you have no intention of selling your body to crackwhores, then don't bother.

You want to see a movie thats actually good and funny, with a bunch of intestinal eating dead boys and girls,watch Zombieland.

That's it,


Margot

Your One-Eyed-Monkey-Spunk is a Phallic Symphony

I like weird sounds and there are many words and phrases that just sound good to me. Things that evoke imagery while simultaneously sounding odd. Here are a few that I really like.

• Festering shit-bag
• Infected pustule
• Oozing blister
• Throbbing secretion
• Heinous member
• FANGORIOUSLY DEVOURED BY A GELATINOUS MONSTER AHHHH (25 internets for anyone that knows where I got that)
• Testicle-Shitting rectal wart
• One-Eyed-Monkey-Spunk
• Sphincter sucker
• Ass-monger
• Phallic symphony

What are your favorite disgusting words and phrases? I can't be the only sick-ass around here.
Why that sentence will never be the same to me.

Facial Hair

The Best Facial Hair Reference you can find

Raquel asked me a question the other day. She asked "How do you feel about facial hair?"

Now, being the only male in this joint and one of the few people the doctors let communicate with Raquel during a full moon, it seemed like this topic could best be summed up in writing, because it is COMPLICATED.

Now to start with, facial hair to a man is personal. We don't have cleavage or bras that lift and separate. We don't have a huge variety of clothing options that the ladies out there have. We do, however have an uncanny ability to grow hair on our faces, which can make us look all kinds of manly and impulsive (extra internets if you know where that phrase comes from) or it can make you look like a skeezy douchebag. The ability to grow facial hair is also psychologically connected to our general "manliness". It's primal and instinctive. While it may not be an accurate gauge, we connect our ability to grow facial hair with virility, strength and a generally animalistic nature often times found attractive to females of our species. Nobody wants a whimpering gerbil in bed. You would much rather have a vicious lion, roaring as it pounces and overpowers it's prey. Whimpering is for divorce hearings. If he can't make your neighbors think you are killing a pack of hookers when you are boning, then he isn't growing much facial hair.

[Manly and Impulsive]

[Skeezy Douchbag]

Facial hair can make you look like a classic European gentleman, like with a job and everything, or like a homeless hippie.

[If I looked like this guy, I would be severely dehydrated right now]

[Do I need to say anything?]

It can make you look trustworthy, or well......

[Not only would you let this guys into your house at night, you'd take your kids to sit on his lap in public]

[It's a toss-up between him and the hippie for me]

So, as you can clearly see there is a lot of choice in the facial hair arena and it can say a lot about the man that wears it. My personal stance is this.

If you would be embarrassed of a picture of you surfacing 20 years from now with it, then you shouldn't do it. You can always claim that the clothes were what was in style and it's the only real options you had, but the facial hair is much more personal. Think about it, you take off your clothes every night and put on new ones every morning, but that facial hair is gonna be there a long time. It's even more personal to us than a hairstyle. So you should take a little time in figuring it out.

Some notable examples:

[I'm regretting this right now FOR you]

[The definition of manly with a 'stache]



[Can you say CREEPY?]



[Dude has been rocking that awesome lip ferret for decades now]



[Not his best work]


[Some things are just timeless]



[Just, no]

[The Bolsheviks were just jealous of this awesome facial hair]



[Shouldn't be allowed in the same county as children]



[Who wouldn't follow this into a revolution?]



[Has this guy been looked into in the JonBenét Ramsey case? I'm just saying...]



[One of the most brilliant mustaches of all time]

So as you can see, facial hair is not as simple of a topic as you might think. Next time you see a man rocking a killer 'stache, give him a thumbs up, and be sure never to share your bed, your friendship, or your oxygen with a guy that looks like this:

Until Next time, stay classy San Diego: