I WANT to go to Rehab!

I need a vacation. It's been 3.75 years since I took a real vacation. You know, a vacation that you come back from refreshed, inspired-ready to take on the world by the MOTHER FUCKING BALLS!


A real vacation. Not a 'stay-cation' or a long weekend away. And I need this vacation asap. 

I started my vacation research and quickly discovered that my ideal vacation 4 years ago is very different from what I want and need now.

IBIZA! Sex. Drugs. Rock N Roll. Rinse, Lather, Repeat!

My ideal vacation now must include a giant dose of restful, peaceful, delicious, decadent, impeccable, blissful S*L*E*E*P*!

fat lil me, resting peacefully

I wouldn't mind reading a book on the beach, in a bikini, so my big, fat belly could protrude, full of yummy food. My big, fat belly, which I would rub lazily as I turn the pages of a book, would slowly tan in the warm sun, and prepare itself for the next delicious meal.

After doing as much vacation research as possible, I stumbled across the mecca of all vacations! REHAB! 

Fuck a vacation. I want to go to REHAB!!!

Look at this place. I am relaxed and refreshed already!  And hungry, did you see the gourmet meals? Those beds are so comfy and the pillows deliciously fluffy. 

The best part is I can talk about myself the whole time! I think I might pitch myself for the next Celebrity Rehab. I, of course, am not a celebrity. We all know that none of the 'celebrities' on Celebrity Rehab are true celebrities.


By definition, a celebrity is "a famous or well-known person". Look at the cast of Celebrity Rehab

Stage Mom=not a celebrity!

Fluffy drug addict heir=not a celebrity

Do you have any clue who they are? Me 'neither! Therefore, any non-celeb like myself can get on the show and directly into a vacation/rehab! I need to get myself an addiction, STAT!


Easy enough. I am highly addicted to espresso. I regularly consume 6-8 shots a day and can't get my brain to work before the 4th shot. I have chewed espresso beans and once considered snorting them (for a bet), since figuring out how to inject them was too long of a process to win said bet. I am so addicted to caffeine, that I will go to what I lovingly call 'The Evil Empire', aka, Starbucks to drink their so-called 'gourmet coffee' to get my fix. 


By definition, an addict is a person addicted to a habit or substance. And, I, Raquel, am highly addicted to caffeine. This is what I feel and look like if I haven't had any:

gimme some of that starbucks shit NOW

Of course, I would need some highly unresolved issues to talk about during my vacation, I mean, stay in rehab. Believe me, I have some unresolved issues:

#1 By 6th grade I had won 6 spelling bees. I competed and lost the 7th spelling bee and never, ever, ever competed again!

-I obviously fear competition.

#2 In 5th grade, Dickie grabbed my boob.

-I have been sexually harassed by men.

# 3 In 6th grade, Tom snapped my bra. I promptly elbowed him and broke his eyebrow. He has a scar and I was suspended from school. 

-I have anger issues.

I need to talk about them. You people read my blog, something is WRONG with me!!!!

The best part of vacationing in rehab is that I get bored, I can take drugs IN rehab! We all know that's where you can get the best shit! Don't you people watch Intervention ????

I really, really, really want to go to rehab!

-Raquel

I, Raquel, HATE the Holidays!!!!

I officially nominate myself as Grinch of 2010-without the wrinkles, grimace and hideous skin. Rather than spread joyous cheer, I have taken it upon myself to peeve about everything I don't like about the holidays. 

me! me! me!

What it boils down to is that the holidays are essentially a way for someone else to impose THEIR traditions on me...and I hate it when someone tells ME what to do! (insert stomping of foot)

Take Thanksgiving. No matter where I go, there is turkey. I am by no means a non-meat eater. A few years ago, I declared war on poultry-it's boring! 

i like it up the butt

Any and all foods that are nondescript are always described as 'chicken'. And turkey tastes, well, like chicken. Celebrating Thanksgiving guarantees that I will be subjected to poultry. No one, except a small number of self-respecting vegans ever challenge the turkey tradition. 

Christmas, of course, is THE holiday that really gets my beard. I am deathly afraid of Santa Claus. Any other fat man who grabs little children to sit them on his knee and listen to their sweet little secrets, while holding said child close to his groin, would immediately be listed on Megan's Law. 

look, it's Santa!!!

Yet, very few parents ever challenge Santa Claus! I once was a sweet, little girl who believed the unbelievable. One wintery December in NYC, Santa Claus picked me up from a crowd at Rockefeller Center and whispered in my ear: "What do you want for Christmas, little girl?" 

I promptly kicked Santa in his belly and punched him, as I screamed for dear life. 

Since than, my respect for anything related to the holidays has gone down the drain. So as the 'Grinch of 2010', don't tell me to be happy it's the holidays. And if you do, I will take my cue from Willow Smith and whip my hair back and forth! You haters!!!!

-Raquel

As featured in Project Peeve

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

I keep watching this movie trying to figure out what its about. I am still not sure why it was produced. This screenplay in NOT based on a book. I wish it was. It would be nice to have a reference, like a book, this movie makes no sense!



The writer must know some people in high places. I am sure that this is the ONLY way the screenplay made it to the silver screen. Or maybe he knew the BIG NAME actors and he blackmailed them into doing him a favor and being in his pet project. The writer, Terry Gilliam, knows plenty of people in high places. He wrote Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas  and is the one and the same Terry Gilliam from Monty Python. Yep, same guy!

I understand Johnny Depp being in this movie. He makes certain movies just to prove he is not a total sellout. Colin Farrell is in this movie to remove himself from his "bad boy" image. Which is a load of crap, because he ends up portraying the dick-fuck. I am pretty sure Jude Law is only in it because they needed one more good looking guy with an English accent. And, well, do I really need to explain Health Ledger?

RIP Heath

I don't know what is the   The Imaginarium of Doctor Panassus. I was able to decipher that Doctor Parnassus, played by Christopher Plummer Christopher Plummer who had already made a deal with the devil for everlasting life, finally finds true love. In his desire to be young again to marry his true love, he makes a second deal  with the devil, where he trades his offspring for youth. Bad idea. Deals with the devil. 

He marries his true love and has a daughter, Valentina (OMG, I love that name). The devil, who always seems to remember the nuances of his deals, contacts Doctor Parnassus 3-days before Valentina's 16th birthday. Doctor Parnassus doesn't want to give up Valentina. The devil offers him a wager: whomever gets 5 souls first, wins Valentina's soul. The wager is a mind-fuck, just like the movie. The devil wants souls and Doctor Parnassus must deliver 5 souls ASAP or he loses his daughter. Doctor Parnassus hustles like nobodies business to save Valentina. In the end,we learn that there good and evil within everyone, including the devil, who showed mercy on Valentina's soul. And sweet Valentina gets the normal life that she so desired-with a severely fucked up dad.

Terry Gilliam does have a great imagination. And I think that for most people who are screen writers, getting a movie like on the screen would be the most amazing thing in the world for them. But for most, it will never happen.

You need to be really open-minded to watch this movie. I really tried. In fact, I watched it twice just to make sure that I was giving you a proper review.


This picture explains the movie to perfection. Oh wait, it doesn't explain anything? Yep, That's my point.

But really, if you are not stoned, drunk or on some other type of drug, this movie would be boring as fuck. I choose to watch it drunk. I thought that it was fabulous while intoxicated. It is visually stunning while intoxicated. You will only enjoy The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus while intoxicated, it won't make any sense, but you will have fun watching it. Sorry boys- Johnny Depp, Colin Farrel, Jude Law and Health Ledger-I love you all, but, sober, the movie is boring and doesn't make any sense!

Margot

PS I watched this movie at least twice sober. Maybe I need to take acid...

SINGLE

It was all friendship, fun, and coffee till Ross got a MONKEY!

Yes I am closing in on 30 and I am single. Not single as in 'not married' or "I just broke up with someone". Single,  single.

As in YEARS since I have been in a relationship. As in 'I don’t date someone for over a month'.  I always get the same reaction when people ask if I am married, have a boyfriend, girlfriend, children, and I say NO!.  They say “WHY NOT?” They are amazed.

As in,  I should be put under a microscope and studied.

Insert in little teeny Taylor pieces and please, study me!

This is surprising to me.  You would think by all those TV shows that have been popular over the last decade like “Friends” and “Sex and the City” that have single people waaaaaaay into their thirties, it would seem perfectly normal to be single.

SINGLE Fabulous...till the show ends when they all get hitched

But it isn’t. And I never know how to answer that question, why? How do I know why?  I have nothing against relationships, marriage, all that good stuff. I just zero patience for bullshit.  And let’s face it, dating is bullshit.  No one acts like who they actually are when they first start dating someone.  I don’t play games and most people out there who are dating do. They have all these stupid rules that aren’t really rules and everyone has their own version of rules.  

DATING RULES:

Don’t call for 3 days

Don’t call for 7 days

Don’t call ever! 

Don’t go out with someone if they call the day of the time they want to see you

Don’t take calls after 11

Don’t call them first

Do call them first.  

It is ridiculous. Not to mention the fact that even though I am single I seem to be about a hundred times happier than the majority of my friend who are married or in relationships.  No offense to you guys out there but a lot of you just aren’t worth the headache. I am sure someone out there is, but until I find them I will respond to the “WHY NOT” relationship question with “why are you in one?”

~Taylor

God's Unwanted Children

Breast: refers to the front of the chest or, more specifically, to the mammary gland. The mammary gland is a milk producing gland. It is composed largely of fat. (via www.medterms.com)

 number 7 is pointing to the fat

Now I would assume this is a fact that most of us know. And knowing this fact gets me giddy when I start to gain weight or extra fat because I know my boobs begin to grow! And who doesn't love big boobs. I love them! Especially, on me!

However, I know you have all seen it one time or another. It is a creature as elusive as the Big Foot but we all know it is out there. A FAT FLAT CHESTED WOMAN. They defy science. How is that a woman who is mostly comprised of fat does not also possess breast that are also mostly comprised of fat. Even fat MEN have boobs.

 

There is only one explanation. They are God's Unwanted Children.

.

xoxo Sadie

****OFFICIALLY*****Introducing Sadie

Sadie. *sigh*

She is the author of such gems as:

I say NO to your pupa!


Letter to my nut job boss *read when you are mad at your boss, it will bring sunshine and rainbows to your day*

I have hinted at my fear of Sadie several times. This is not drug-induced, sleep deprived, espresso-accentuated paranoia. See, I know Sadie pretty well. She is dazzling and keen. Her sharp wit and gleaming eyes are fetching. But don't be hypnotized by her feminine wiles. I know that inside she is an angry little girl, who kills bugs and mercilessly stomps on egos with her little mary-jane's.

Readers, followers, friends, please welcome Sadie  and her black, evil, little heart to Slinky-like Stealth Blog.

*sigh*

-Raquel

PS: This may or may not be my last post. If it is...than Sadie killed me. I secretly think she is the next American Psycho. If she did kill me, my shoe collection goes to Taylor, my nail polishes to Amelie, my stockings to Bill D., my machete to Max and my mustache to Margot. 

OWN WHAT GOD GAVE YOU

This one is for the ladies. Imagine meeting a great guy. He's handsome, he's successful, he's confident and charming and he's into you. He's everything you want in a man and you have amazing chemistry. And of course you can't help but notice that he also fills his jeans quite nicely. When he takes you out you know he's into you. You can feel him as you dance floor and you're thinking you found the perfect guy AND as an added bonus he's well hung. Jackpot! You tell your friends you met this great guy and they're jealous when you tell him his bulge is HUGE. You daydream about him while you're at work and after every date you go home and think very un-ladylike thoughts about him. Your mother would be ashamed.

Several dates later, after a few hot and heavy make out sessions, some dirty dancing and no shortage of increasingly dirty texts and emails, you find yourself partially clothed on the sofa. You look into his eyes coyly, unbuttoning his jeans with a devilish grin and then slowly lowering the zipper. Your heart is pounding, a wave of heat envelopes your body, your mouth is watering as you realize the moment you've been fantasizing about for days, maybe even weeks is about to become a reality.

You reach your hand inside and pause. You make one last momentary hesitation before seeing and touching it for the first time. It's massive. For the first time you shudder in fear at the consideration that this guy may actually be TOO big. You run your hands over it but you can't contain your curiosity and you know you can't wait any longer. You slip your fingers inside the waistband of his briefs and lower them to reveal a surprise that leaves you breathless.

It's so big you're in a state of shock. You see what's by far the longest...thickest...rolled up men's size 11 tube sock you have ever seen.

And underneath is a cocktail weenie. He tells you not to worry, he has other talents.

Ladies, we know it's tempting but please, please, for the sake of humanity PLEASE  resist the urge to enhance your assets by non permanent means when dating. The Wonderbra is public enemy #1. And if you wear a waterbra or some other supreme boobie enhancing padded device forget it. You don't realize what you're doing to us with those things. You see, what you don't know about men is that when we're interested in a woman we picture her naked. We get excited by the idea of you unveiling your body for the first time. We wonder what a woman's boobs are shaped like, are they soft or firm, are the nipples pink or brown, big or small and one of the most exciting things for us is to explore your body and find out.

Then when we see them or touch them for the first time it's a shock. It's like ordering a delicious chicken dish at your favorite restaurant and the waiter bringing you a plate of scrambled eggs. It's not that eggs are bad, you love eggs...but you were expecting chicken. You're hungry so you don't send it back, instead you eat it with disappointment.

And that's what you've just done. Yep, next time you unhook your padded bra and a guy is seeing you or feeling you up for the first time those mmms and ahhhs he's making sound like pleasure. Make no mistake, he's crying on the inside. Those are the sounds of disappointment.

OWN WHAT GOD GAVE YOU! If you have a small ass, wear booty shorts. If you have a big ass, wear dresses that accentuate it. If you're gifted with great natural tits, good for you. Work the hell out of them knowing it drives men crazy and yes, many women. If you have small tits, work the hell out of them. Go bra-less or wear a thin one and a sheer or super thin top and let your nipp show a bit. Be sexy. A flat chested woman who's confident and knows how to work it is hotter than some fake bimbo any day of the week. Some of the hottest women in the world have small tits - Kate Hudson, Debra Messing, Kate Bosworth, Jennifer Anniston, Amy Smart, Jessica Biel, Cameron Diaz, Sienna Miller, Hayden Panettiere, I can go on for days. All hot babes and all of them are card carrying members of the itty bitty titty committee.

Once we're with you it doesn't matter and we don't mind seeing your fake cleavage. It still turns us on since we already know what's underneath. But before then it's like a cruel bait and switch game. If you want to fill out dresses and tops and you want bigger boobs - buy them. If you want your man to love and appreciate your small tits and not ogle every busty babe he sees be real with him from the start. Chances are it's just your hang up and he doesn't care how big they are and probably likes them just fine the way they are - without the padding.

If you want bigger ones go for it. Get some fake ones and stop trying to trick us!

-MAX-